Good New Days

awesomeness and unawesomeness

2010-11-23T07:18:00.000-08:00

I. NEED. CHOCOLATE. CHOCOLATE!!!! I promise myself tomorrow I will wake up early to get myself a chocolatey treat. Instead of sleeping like a pig every day until past noon and waking up and cursing.

Just came back from the berliner philarmonkier!!! It was really awesome. I think I liked the first piece, by Haydn, most. And then for the Berg one it was kind of disturbing and I kept thinking of Hitler (since it was first performed in 1930 anyway), and for the smashing sounds they used this huge mallet, and the guy hitting it looked so cute with the effort to hold it up before bringing it down crashing with all his might. For the Brahms one, it was really like Brahms. And the strings were laughing and crying.

In the afternoon I had an amazing race recce trip!! It was quite awesome, except my shoe's been giving me blisters, so I went some paths barefoot. I hope the amazing race turns out fine enough.

And North Korea freaking bombed South Korea and two people got killed. I watched part of the south's government's response on the news and I was a little disappointed by how weak the threats sounded. But I guess seriously, there is no room for machoness and go 'WE DECLARE WAR' and etc. cos it's a bit stupid and everything of the south will be ruined. But seriously, the north's crazy. I saw the tapes of the explosions on the news a few minutes ago and it's like you're walking on the street and this huge explosion happens in front of you. It's like freaking war.

Back in my little world I am thinking of a couple of things:
-i need to go exercise. breathe some fresh air.
-i think my life will be much happier without the computer. but i can't live without it, can i?
-the world is dizzying, and when it's quiet your thoughts become deafening.

Hyo hyo hyo hyo hyo

2010-11-12T07:52:00.000-08:00

Listening to schubert's Death and the Maiden.

Yesterday's grad night was kinda magical. Went with mom to dress up etc. before the thing, and the curling of hair, applying of make up.... they can be considered girly and unnecessary but there was real sensual pleasure in seeing yourself transform a little.

Meeting with friends and looking at each other in our beautiful forms were really amazing. And camwhoring in the toilet, tucking into the food, trying to play the games, listening to the music, wishing Sim Hwee happy birthday, failing in going to watch the social network, fighting off zombies along the way and talking about our feelings.

Actually I have 10000000 more things to say, but the words just don't appear here sorry

625

2010-10-28T06:58:00.000-07:00

Got back physics, math and lit today. Physics wasn't awesome but it's not like I studied so much for it. But math and lit were really surprising, and I'm just so relieved I can get A1 for lit given my SIA SUCKED because of my lateness and I got 50/100. The only pity is that I got an allergy attack today and I was sneezing uncontrollably every few minutes. I couldn't open my eyes properly and I always felt this mini bomb of mucus about to explode within the centre of my face and it wasn't pleasant.

71 into the fire was quite great, although the style was a bit different from what I expected or would have liked. I agree with esther, I think I like taegeuki more but that film was sooo long. 71 kind of reminded me of the 'strawberry generation of NS men'; um... watch the film and you'll know why. It's the style, really. It didn't feel as real and terrifying as Taegeuki, and the people were much too beautiful. But I still enjoyed it, I ... some things I really find it hard to express here. Hyo Lim thinks very much about her homeland, that is all.

I need to recover from this stupid allergy D: It's affecting me still. I wonder what they mean by 'tailor', it can't possibly mean they will make uniforms according to our sizes. So fast! I kind of want my new uniforms asap so that I can wear them, chuck them into one corner and wear the hongzi as often as possible.

CHINESE. It's the black sheep among my good subjects.

This time after the eoys and before the Chinese O'levels

2010-10-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

Oh man I am so fail.

vindication [ˌvɪndɪˈkeɪʃən]
n
1. the act of vindicating or the condition of being vindicated
2. a means of exoneration from an accusation
3. a fact, evidence, circumstance, etc., that serves to vindicate a theory or claim

And here I was thinking that Vindication meant something like "extreme happiness". Pathetic.

I've gotten back everything except Literature, Math and Physics!! So far I've done better than what I expected, I'm just praying lit and math will give me enough to score and overall A1. I've been having nightmares lately, maybe it's because of stress from the anticipation of receiving results? But they are not pleasant at all. In one dream I dreamt I was a little girl going to be raped and killed by some band members. I didn't get raped and killed, but the fear from the knowledge of it going to happen was quite traumatising.

And!!! 75 into the fire or something like that! Hopefully it takes place tomorrow. I missed the pompeii exhibition already D: I might go on my own though, or with anyone else who is interested. But flu has been recovering (I hope). Not very nice to be sick when you have so many things to do!

Dramafest! This thursday and friday night and next week is the showcase of winning drama pieces! I hope Theatre Club pulls it off really well, I loved my experience as crew and stage manager for the past few years. And for the performing groups, I am having some hopes for good quality, because the posters kind of look better than last year I think. And my theatre juniors are performing too, with their classes :D I remember my performance with 204 in sec two, we had a lot of problems but I think I miss going through ... Choral and Drama Nights.

It was quite sad that it changed. And I was really quite puzzled by the stage manager's role last year.

Kpop concert was really cool!!!!! It felt so weird feeling as I do in Korea when I knew I was still in Singapore. SNSD and Big Bang were awesome, but sadly I missed FT Island, I really wanted to hear their love love love song.

I want to watch a play. By a local theatre company.

Oh and I've built my model aeroplane but it doesn't look like an aeroplane. It's too... vertical. But it's unfair because some important parts of the plane in the instructions look a bit different from what I really have. Ah well there's still the helicopter model I can do with the same parts which looks pretty decent.

We're graduating. Next week. It's kind of scary. And it feels like one hundred years ago I was a bumbling sec one kid... very blur... not knowing how to study and shitting eoys... the notions of 'boys' and 'gays (lesbians)' still so vague and unreal... when all I cared about was GRADES GRADES GRADES and "I WILL MAKE RATIONAL CHOICES". I look at myself now and I've made so many irrational choices and made bad mistakes but discovered there isn't really much point in trying to meet others' expectations only all your life, and that the most fundamental thing about being a respected member in society is that you've got to respect yourself first.

Like Mr Ng said. If you do something that you so passionately believe in. Even if other people think you're being silly and stupid, if you keep doing that something you believe in, for years, for a lifetime, people have got to respect you.

I feel so self-conscious at times. And it might be me, or it might be because the society we live in has this "sense of shame". I read this article by a German ambassador, Wickert, who wrote it in the 1980s or something. From what he saw,the actions of Chinese are not guided by some moral or divine law (such as the bible) that placed emphasis on good and evil, but rather, on the "sense of shame". They would not do things that their peers would find unacceptable. So in a way it is okay to do socially unacceptable things, but it is not okay to be found out. Wickert(?) describes a letter from Zhang's (a guy in ancient ancient China before Confucious I think... if not he's still really ancient) lover. In the letter she longs for him to come and consummate their love, but she fears being found out- "tongues will wag". And yet the Chinese love scandals and putting others to shame when they are found out- Wickert also describes a working woman who had an affair with a married man. The man's reputation was dashed to pieces, and for the woman- why do I remember this so clearly?- she was beaten by her father when she got home, disowned by her family, and sent to be stuck in a workplace where everybody knew about her scandal, so that she could not move elsewhere and get to know new people and start over. In ancient China higher ranking educated classes received lower sentences for crimes, but the sense of shame was more punishment than anything else.

The author compares the Chinese and Western cultures, but he does not necessarily condemn this "sense of shame". And it did strike me how he described the freedom and openness (in matters pertaining to romance, relationships, sex) has amounted to loneliness and emptiness. On the letters of ancient Chinese girls (before Confucious I think. haha) which were explicit and shamelesss in their desires, he commented "... but neither were they coy."

Vindication

2010-10-20T05:42:00.001-07:00

I am spending some wonderful moments these days. Yesterday after math and the briefing I went with Amanda and Linsha to serene centre to eat at the new thai restaurant. But we went to this toy store in serene first. It was amazing. It has been a long time since I saw so many toys, ranging from lego to construction to model cars to princessy stuff. I was really amazed by this steel construction thing and they had a few models so after much pondering I bought this one which can make either an aeroplane or a helicopter! It has a solar panel included too so it can turn but I don't know if it will fly. But I was so excited :D I've started work on it and it's really amazing and I'm really enjoying myself making the little steel plane. And I'm like "so this is what German kids play with" cos the brand is from Germany.

Anyway after the toy store we tried to find the "new thai place" but either it wasn't there or we couldn't find it. So we were considering macs or just skipping lunch. Then we walked past gastronomia and cold storage so we had this AWESOME IDEA to buy our lunch at cold storage and gastronomia and go to the BOTANICAL GARDENS to eat!!! It felt like a game so we were like "ok we have 10 MINUTES to get all we want from cold storage before we leave on our journey" it felt a bit like last-minute prep for OBS or something. Haha anyway we were really fail at getting the food and we all saw this COOL LEMONADE/LIMEADE and we got a bottle each of that. From gastronomia Amanda got some potato-mash looking like thing which was delicious and I got myself some chicken-mushroom lasagna. So we went on to the botanical gardens.

The weather was perfect; the clouds were cast and there was no sun but it was bright. With a little wind. It started to drizzle a little so we sat in a shelter that overlooked a part of a lake. (Lake sounds cooler than pond.) There were ducks, pigeons, and this cool miniature-version-of-stork, and later there came a black swan. We enjoyed our spoils from gastrononmia and our COOL LEMONADES/LIMEADE. Pigeons started lurking about threateningly though. After we were done with those we went on to have some potato chips. I threw about 1mm of potato chip on the floor toward the pigeons and this WHOLE CROWD from FAR AWAY came and started looking at me expectantly. I had wanted to tease the pigeons a little but I didn't know all of them would take me so seriously. After some talking I went down to admire the black swan a little. I must have stared at it too long and wandered into its territory, because the next moment it was screaming and beating its wings and running at me to ATTACK. Silly me turned tail to run away instead of turning on it to fight back. It stopped chasing me and it strutted around where I had been standing, put the leaves on the floor "in order" as it saw fit, groomed itself, wagged its tail contentedly, and strutted back to the pond.

Oh and we saw a lot of male pigeons trying to be sexy by puffing themselves up and grooming themselves extensively and ruffling their feathers and emitting these testosterone-laid (i think) calls. And they kept trying to court the females. But none of them ever mounted or did any spectacular show.

And we laid on the grass and talked about life and drank our lemonades/limeade and watched the birds feed and pee and whatever. We also saw this bunch of schoolboys who were skateboarding. Then after a while this poor loser-looking guy came at the back carrying all the bags of his friends. It was quite hilarious. When we saw him a second time walking around in that miserable state we called out to him from where we were but he had earphones on and didn't hear us.

It was just so won-derful lying there in the cloudy sunniness and enjoying the breeze, the clean air, the grass, the food and the conversation. I genuinely felt the stress from exams evaporating away. Such is the joy in doing absolutely nothing! I want to do that again and as often as possible during the holidays.

After that I went home to shower and went for a meeting. It was a really lovely day and at night I started work on my model aeroplane.

Today I had my first piano lesson in a long time! :D

I think this is one of the first times when I wasn't at a loss as to what to do once the exams ended. Previously, I always felt really empty and direction-less once the exams started, and regretted wasting my holidays once school started. I must not waste this precious holiday.

Listening to DANCE OF THE DARK KNIGHTS now (:

3 more papers.

2010-10-15T05:15:00.001-07:00

Physics is not happening. Instead I'm listening to beautiful army voices from the Red Army. I just read an article in the newspaper about strawberry generation NS men. It made me think of the Nazis and their aryan theories and their ideals of the muscular superman and the blonde girl. Then I thought about Russians and their furry caps.

I think the blog makes me sound like an idiot.

Anyway. 4 more nights to relative freedom to do some things I wanted. Piano, it will be just you and me. Just you and me. Ohohoho. And we'll have guests sometimes. Maybe some family guy and movies :D Sitting under the starry night with friends. Getting to learn the guitar. Taking a morning walk by the reservoir. Fangirling (secretly) over dead musicians and military leaders.

And. Plans for WORLD DOMINATION!!!!

I think what makes our lives go round is conversation. I mean meaningful, enjoyable and (at times) fascintating conversation. Sometimes it just doesnt happen in real life. So I log on to youtube and facebook and visit people's blogs and tumblrs and chat on msn for hours for hope of finding some, or at least substituting it.

Tension

2010-10-07T01:13:00.001-07:00

Papers have been screwed so far, and cos of the unfruitful efforts to hold my ground in the languages the forces in other subjects such as Math Chem Physics History have been forced to retreat. i.e. Subsequent exams are equally, if not more, screwed. Why didn't I start studying earlier. Oh yeah, cos I was lazy to kill homework.

Anyway, why is it that my body does embarrassing things to me! In my secondary school life I have blacked out twice and needed to be helped by those around me to get my consciousness back. And yesterday I was about to revise for LA and suddenly my stomach hurt and I had this headache and I broke out in cold sweat and my neighbours from downstairs came up to help me and I threw up (luckily into the toilet bowl). One of the two women who helped me was a trained medic and she helped with the circulation by giving me acupuncture and stuff. (I thought she was damn cool and she made me regret dropping bio a teeny bit. But F=ma is also very cool.) So yeah. Why does my body continually insist on doing things that make me dependent on others and showing myself in a weak state!? After exams I'm going to exercise more and I better not faint in the heat or something.

Eeeeee

2010-09-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

People have finished studying. And I'm struggling with the less than 15% i have done for chem and physics combined. And the less than 50% I have done for math and history combined.

Sadness T.T

Soooooo screweddddd

I am Unproductive

2010-09-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

Today I tried to study in the library but I spent 2 hours on 5 math questions it was really unproductive! So I went out for a walk looking for friends and pondering over my life then I decided to go home and sleep.

During those terrible two hours in the library I realised that this was one of the last times I was going to be in the yu zhi library feeling the sting of the cold and studying for the eoys, that I was going to be in this white uniform and studying in this quiet tranquil atmosphere, that I was going to walk around the school feeling like this whole place belonged to me, that I was going to finish school and stand at the bus stop and try and see the little interesting reactions that are going around, that I was going to assemble at the quadrange early in the morning to that marching song, and etc and etc, that so much of the life I knew in Nanyang will change.

I also find it disturbing how the most unpleasant memories like to remind me of themselves at the most inappropriate moments. I think I repress unwanted memories, and at the least expected time they burst from their cages and gnaw at my conscience. This is really inconvenient especially when you're trying to take an exam, or when you're trying to have fun, because then you can't focus on what you are doing, and it gets ruined.

I think I am dissatisfied. Just generally. I can't place exactly what is making me feel unsated but I know something is definitely there that's making me feel dissatisfied.

Meanwhile I'll try to stay cheerful and... once I go jc i better not be doing anymore si hans

Closer in Life

2010-09-24T09:55:00.001-07:00

I wish you'd play for me that song again. On my piano. Nothing compares to having those vibrations coursing through your body from the wooden keys; not even with the earphones, speakers and top-quality sound we have today.

Talking

2010-09-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

I love these rainy days. There is something reflective about the heavy clouds, the downpours, the pools of water that form on the cement, the trees and flowers soaked to the stem. It's good to feel the wind upon your face and take careful strides across the wet pavements and staircases. Even indoors you feel the cosiness and safety that the shelter affords you. One fine day when it's raining really heavily I will go out there and embrace the rain and the sky.

Today on the bus ride with Jermaine to YMCA this little Indian girl (about 5 years old?) was sitting in front of us. Her mother got on her phone and the little girl suddenly turned around and started talking to us about herself and her father who had apparently injured his leg, so they were going to see him, and he was really annoyed he couldn't drive and had to cab around. She showed us pictures from her little picture book and pointed to us some of the funny ones. She was really so confident, and talkative, and so cheerful, she was so engaged in telling us about herself. It was amazing. I wouldn't be surprised if she became a debator, or an actress, or a newscaster. She has a lovely voice and she speaks to strangers so easily.

I wish I could speak to strangers easily too. My mouth is often so heavy I avoid using it as much as possible. My teeth produce glue, so often they're stuck together and I can't open my mouth. Or sometimes my voicebox apparates to somewhere else, it likes to do that quite often. Whenever this happens I can't talk, so if I'm really quiet you now know three possible reasons why.

Hollow sounds

2010-09-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've really loved anyone romantically. It's all just part of this selfish, clawing desire to get the other party to like me. So that I can feed my own ego.

I wish I were a guy. But then I imagine myself as a guy wishing that I'm a girl, so after that it isn't too bad.

You make me smile and yet cry inside

and I should stop being so self-absorbed.

Blur

2010-09-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

I had this wonderful idea today. But it requries drawing skills and I can't draw well! But after the exams I might try a hand at photography and photoshop even though it might end up really fail. Although it might not work I already fear someone might steal my wonderful ideas and i refuse to post it here.

Today I felt that my lit skills have deproved a lot. It's either cos I lost focus on work this year and in the struggle of block tests focused only on content subjects, or because we haven't been doing much lit practices. I cannot remember what we did this year for LA and lit, except passage to india, SRQs, exploring interesting concepts of civic responsibility, education, government; black comedy; comedy; hortensiolucentioPETRUCHIO (rocks); our town, but other than that I can't remember what we did. I remember last year there was so much lit- sophocles, antigoneoedipusrex TRAGEDIES, king lear, charles dickens, coketown, phillip pirrip, the lit sia which let us explore stuff from sylvia plath to arthur miller; enemy of the people; great gatsby, and we did so many practices on King Lear and tragedies and prose.

Or maybe just that tragedies are easier than comedie in general.

I am majorly screwed for exams. Just a little more over a week to exams and I'm not even done with 25% with the workload. I've been watching stupid things on youtube.

And I feel so sleepy and headachy I'm not talking to people very often and I just generally lack focus in whatever. And the world spins wheneverI shift the position of my head drastically, and I lose my balance a little.

I become sad once I stop playing the piano or once I step outside the shower

I want~

2010-09-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

Somehow these days I feel a bit more like blogging. Maybe my frequency of blogging has something to do with how much I care about work! Because in sec 2 I was working really hard because I wanted to get into HP and I blogged pretty regularly, but after I came into HP I became slack D: and started blogging less reguarly. It could also have been due to the introduction of msn (which RUINED MY LIFE) and I ended up venting emotions there instead of here. Which I realised later was quite unhealthy.

These days when I'm not thinking about work or paying attention in lessons I'm thinking about the things I want to do after the examinations! There are so many things I want to do. Last year I wasted my holidays, this year I really want to put my time to good use. But meanwhile time can't be wasted, so appreciating the PRESENT, I am going to try my best to enjoy this whole process of the examinations, and studying for it, although admittedly I'm not very interested in my notes at the moment. Home is so exciting!

I want to go to Korea at the end of the year! I would like to go to another country too but I'm not sure where, and also it might not fit with some plans I have. There are so many things I can do in Korea! It's already wonderful to take a walk down the streets on a chilly autumn night, buy some steaming spicy rice cakes! from a street peddler, and talk about whatever with your family or friend.

Oh no I'm hungry thinking about it.

Among other things after the exams, I hope I can have early morning walks in Macritchie Resevoir, go and hobo around Singapore River, stalk around the Esplanade, maybe take a long walk from home to somewhere far and then back again, go cycling in Pasir Ris park, lie on a nice beach, play in the sea waves, go to the double helix bridge, have a picnic in the botanical gardens, and etc and etc and etc, as long as I have someone to go with.

Books! Music! Movies! Cafes!

But right now I need to pass my exmainations.

oh the gory details

2010-09-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

I was reminded of this part in Persepolis where Marjane and this bunch of Austrian kids are in a room, and the leader of the gang has this really bored expression and goes something like, 'war and whatever are all the same....' something about no point in living. At which Marjane stands up incensed, criticising their ignorance and affected indifference 'You think my uncle died for fun?' I used to think that dying on the battlefield might be better than dying on a hospital bed, contemplating euthanasia. But then after a while, dying for any cause at all seemed kind of pointless. There's a cynic's view to everything. In history there is so much waste of bright futures and human lives. But I wondered if there was anything I could die for, because without such a cause I felt my life was missing something I guess. So I decided that if I die for something it will be for love.

It sounds lofty. But love extends to everyone and everywhere, if you have it. There was this American soldier a few years' back in the Middle East. A suicide bomber was about to blow up and to save his comrades in the same room the soldier wrapped himself around the suicide bomber just in time, so that the bomb killed only the two of them. I thought that dying for that sort of love was honourable and profound. I wish to have such courage if ever a time like that comes.

Ok enough about death.

I wonder how my life will change if I was never allowed to touch a piano again. I think I will lose a very important carthatic medium. There's something therapeutic and calming about piano that allows you to sort yourself out.

I think I should start a dream diary! I've been having a few disturbing dreams, which include near-death experiences, running, jumping, fighting, and people getting killed. It can be pretty exciting but you feel a little drained when you wake up.

Hm have I had any pleasant dreams...

I wish you could play the violin! I imagine the things we can do...

IMAGINATION

2010-09-15T01:35:00.000-07:00

A few moments ago I just had this sudden idea. I wonder if anyone has tried it before, and given the number of crazy things people are doing (like there was the guy who experimented how hot the sauna could go before he left, so he stayed until 100 degrees celsius and he died; there was this guy who went to make love to a horse and died because his intestines burst or something; there were those guys who made that peacock video, and there's lady gaga). But I think it would be rather intereting and contrversial.

So imagine I'm this person who doesn't believe in a God, leads a decent life and doesn't have any major issues. But I decide one day that I want to die, and I want to die in a manner I choose. I want to throw a big party to celebrate my death, because dying is merely a step to a next stage of whatever the universe holds for me. It is a whole new adventure. So I throw a big party. I hire out a whole disco and invite my family, friends, and all random strangers to come dance. I get bands, dancers, actors, to come and entertain all my guests while they enjoy a full-course dinner prepared by chefs imported from all over the world. I even have the prime minister or a famous celebrity to grace this event. And everybody knows what's going to happen. Everyone is very happy to wish me congratulatons in this marvellous step. So as the last item of the day I step on stage. I play a song on the piano for people to remember me by. Then I stand up, make a short speech. I decide to die by shooting myself. Or it could be hanging. As I feel the life going away from me, everyone gives me a standing ovation and loud cheers are heard. The band starts playing and there is stunning applause everywhere.

As this happens I better not regret it and go 'oh shit...'

An alternative version of this party was to stage a play as the final part of this celebration. Nobody is aware of the real purpose of this party. In the play, I am the heroine who dies in a significant sort of manner- dramatic, maybe even tragic. The scene is just brilliant and all to real. Actually, it is real. I die in the play, getting stabbed to death or shot through the chest or something. My body is left there throughout, and people keep expecting me to get up and give my bows... that actress was so amazing... and I don't. My body doesn't get up and bow even when the party is over and it's time to leave. So somebody goes up to touch my body... Imagine what a sensation it would be!

Anyway, all of that is my IMAGINATION. I have no intention of killing myself. But when I do die, it is interesting how the experience would be like...

Expletive expletive expletive. Profanity.

2010-09-08T05:19:00.000-07:00

Recently SOMEBODY got me hooked on Katy Perry's song 'Peacock' or 'I wanna see your peacock' or something like that. I was hooked on her other song once, 'I kissed a girl'. Oh man that song was sooo catchy. Anyway the music video made by this guy was absolutely amazing, it featured men... doing a lot of things. I am intrigued and I cannot understand why some guys find it disgusting.

Okay but it was a bit disgusting.

I have started to play a valse by Chopin which I had not played for a really long time. It has a calming, beautiful and sorrowful effect... and right now I'm in the mood for such things.

It is a glorious yet troubled world we live in.

I am such a sad fuck.

I need to stop being a sad fuck.

...

Oscar Wilde: "Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed."

Oscar Wilde (the one on Uncylopaedia): "Men have sex because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are killed by AIDS."

Swinging Around

2010-09-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

Today was quite an eventful day! Albeit tiring because I tried this sleep experiment which didn't even work even though I did the steps. So today my consciousness was tampered with.

Anyway :) I'm kind of screwed now but I don't want to care. The holidays are really packed and I don't know if I'll even be in the mood to study at all. I have a very bad feeling about this Sunday night...

Altetude was pretty cool, I could see the effort put in organising it :) Plus hanging out wit friends and camwhoring was fun. I don't know why, I just love having the lens pointed at me hahahahahahhahaha. I can imagine Nicole's expression.

After that I had Chinese tuition at home then I slept for about 15 minutes before waking up to find that it was dinnertime.

At the restaurant we dined in the open night air. The mood was romantic and, well, a little bourgeoise. I felt luxurious. The place seemed to be filled with rich people, laughing people. There was the chinking of glasses and the chiming of cutlery with ceramic. The sky glowed in its deep dark blue, and pressed its warm moist breath upon the earth... Neone lights shone red and yellow and green and fluoroscent, and as we looked at each others' faces the rich, aromatic food tantalised our tastebuds...

Ok i was in the mood for a bit of creative writing. It wasn't a very expensive restaurant but I felt so prosperous and romantic being there...

I wish you would talk to me! I'm drawn to your confidence.

Thinking of you.....

2010-08-28T10:12:00.001-07:00

Today was quite great. The night air was nice and there was quite a pleasant conversation going around. The moon was bright too, though it was a little misshapen.

I am unhappy. Today I got reminded about something sad and now I'm soaking in sad songs.

Sometimes it's so tiring.

Fun Fair~

2010-08-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

Fun fair is over! Time to have a good rest.

The Wii was pretty cool! I was very afraid that no one would come to play but they did!!! And the waiting list for Rock Band was pretty long. I played wii for the first time. I sang taylor swift for the first time too. And I sang it over and over again, because it was one of the easier songs to play and people kept playing it.

I liked the pool set up by 402! It was really fun, I wish I had gone there a little earlier when water fighting was really intense.

I also got some dark chocolates which were really delicious. 213's banana cafe was really cool too! Great for cooling down after spilling energy in the bouncy castle and walking around in the heat.

Sometimes I feel like I have a secret world, that very few people other than myself konw about. Other people, they don't know about it, they don't want to know about it. And sometimes there are people who ridicule this world and those who live in it. And when I meet someone in this secret world... an overwhelming sort of paradise seems to blossom within and around me.

Today I realised that sometimes there is no need to feel self-conscious, because everyone else is probably feeling as self-conscious to even notice.

Werskhaitjohl

2010-08-06T08:06:00.000-07:00

Ahhh today was tiring but fun. In the morning I got up to go to MacRitchie Reservoir for the cross-country run. However, I mistakenly thought the reporting time was 8a.m. and arrived there late. Anyway, we started the run, and I got vaguely reminded of soldiers going to attack someplace (there was jungle all around, you see, and we were dressed in the same colours per level. I was also vaguely reminded of Auschwitz. We had to walk a long distance before we got to the starting point, and by then I already felt slighty tired. But then the thing started, and I was determined to make it through by running most of the way, and not ending up at the back.

There was a long trail through the jungle. I started off with running, it felt ok. But then my lungs started to get heavy and it was like uphill or really slippery at some parts so I had to slow down. Sometimes my lungs felt squeezed, I was breathing really heavily but I didn't seem to be getting air into my blood. And then we crossed this point where they said we were more than halfway through (I was a bit skeptical, because I'd been through this before, and I remembered that there was a long way ahead). To get to the pavement on the main road which would lead us back to starting point, we had to climb uphill and I got reminded me of the Japanese Occupation and their Death Railway or something, where thousands were sent to their deaths in the building of the railway. I was wondering was this what it feels like to be a soldier in a war and you have to survive, and I thought about Mao Ze Dong's Long March. I decided to take a rest once reaching the top.

At the top, it was bad. My lungs were hurting really badly and I started to see stars. I met Celine and Yu Xin, whom I had started the race with, we had kept to each other now and then. Luckily they were there, because I started to get dizzy and with a stomachache, and my body started to get numb. I couldn't move on, and I was still lacking air. I couldn't open my eyes and see around me. Somehow I was led to the bus stop- a very painful process that was probably very tiring for those around me, as they helped me all the way. Like my body had no strength and they had to support it along all the way, and every step was painful. I wondered how I would fare if I had been in a war, I would probably have been a loser who died along the march, not even in battle.

I was led to the bus stop and I wondered if I had to walk back all the way. Sitting down helped to clear my mind a bit. I felt like puking. Anyway then I was driven back to the starting point by a teacher's car- once I felt the air con I felt very much more awake. I realised that Shu Min was sitting beside me. It was a relief to be able to see around me again.

This had happened like in sec 2, in a camp for young leaders thing. Comparing both situations, I think the causes are: lack of sleep, tiredness, heat. The last time this happened, it was after a CHEERING SESSION in the late morning.

Ah but my last cross country was so inglorious and I felt sad.

After litter-picking the area, we went to my house :D I loved how we were able to serve Korean food! It felt so homely sitting among my friends. And we talked about cool stuff, I really liked it. I enjoyed the second watching of Psycho, it was freakier this time. And I imagine what a sensation it would have caused in the '50s. And I was glad that other ppl found the guy cute, too.

Then we went dunking!!!

It was wonderful. It was around noon, but there was no strong sun, neither was it cold and rainy-like. We pushed each other into the pool (the way charlotte was hurled in was epic). I felt the water, the coolness, the warmth, I was laughing! It felt so good, I felt full of youth and happiness and blessing- something I hadn't felt for a long time.

We played some things, we camwhored, and we also devised tactics against the guards who had the potential to tell us off for not coming in swimming costumes. Only Hui Qi had a swimming costume, it looked great on her. The photos were pretty funny, and we had a great time taking them.

After showering we came up. There was chocolate cake, champagne and grapes :) and a birthday song. AND A WISH. I made a good wish, I hope. We watched some part of pulp fiction. The feeling was great, though we were quite tired.

Our last year in Nanyang, our last year as classmates. We might get distanced in the future, and someday we might never meet each other again.

Jimmy

2010-07-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling better these days, I think I'm on my way to health, and I'm starting to think more clearly. I feel a bit happier, too.

La la la~

I wonder if men also feel the need to fill in uncomfortable silences. It's stereotyped that women mind it the most. But one of the stories written by a Russian male had a madman who spoke of needing to fill in uncomfortable silences by talking about nothing, so maybe men do feel the need too, it's just that women think of things to say a bit faster than men do. And they conveniently allow women to carry on and continue the burden of talking. Or maybe it's just Russian men who feel the discomfort

The March... No, the JULY

2010-07-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

I am in a state of delirium. I am a little relieved that I have this tiny outlet here. Nothing seems to work anymore. Even I'm not working anymore. This is nauseating. I am sick, my mind's sick, my emotions are a blur.

After Mercury in 2007, I lost my voice and fell sick for a couple of days. At that time I had a non-speaking role and helped a bit in crewing. After Scarlet: Final Installment in 2008, I was okay for a few days, then one fine day I started constantly vomitting yellow stuff though I hadn't eaten anything and a really severe migraine. So I got hospitalised for a couple of days and missed election day and teachers' day. We didn't have any other performance in 2009 other than SYF, and I can't remember what happened to me after that one. Right now it's 2010, it's about 2 weeks since performance ended, and through the days I've been getting insomnia or something, I can't get to sleep at night, I keep thinking about sad things, and when I wake up I am neither here nor there, my work's in a mess, I'm in a big freaking mess, and I'm wondering if this is the catastrophe I'd been fearing. Logically speaking, this might be the worst PPB i'm going to get.

Elections for cca are this Tuesday.

Looking back at how the years in Nanyang shaped me: After sec 1 i felt that I had learnt a lot of new things. Like taking personal responsibility, surviving in a camp, what it means to be part of theatre club, etc. After sec 2 I felt that I had found true friendship, and that secondary school life was quite stable. After sec 3 I felt like half my world was destroyed and I realised that there's more to life than school, and that I don't die even if I don't hand in my homework. And I realised what a sad existence I was having. And, halfway through sec 4- I feel as though I've been pulverised and put together again and destroyed and cut into little pieces and put together again and smashed into smithereens and my bones ground to powder and time and again I'm trying to piece myself together again. And right now I don't know if I'm pulp, or liquid, or gas, but I know that I'm most definitely not entirely solid.

I don't know which is worse, innocence in ignorance, or the disillusionment that comes with truth. But what is truth anyway. Everything is true. Everything is true as long as we believe it. Because if you start questioning what you believe, you don't exist.

I wish I could go back for a while, to feel the bliss and innocence and the love I felt, two years ago...

I should really stop waiting for a rescuer and try to swim out of this thing myself. Seriously man, I've never felt so weak.

Of No Consequence:

2010-07-24T00:03:00.000-07:00

Whoo, second post after the long hiatus. It's a bit too early to say, but this blog might be coming back to life. Just maybe.

Last night was crazy; I did a lot of irrational things and ended up paying for it by waking up today to discover that half the day was gone. But I felt less depressed. These few days I'd been rotting at home and feeling sad and sorry for meself, but it got a bit better after yesterday. I only hope it lasts.

Maybe because the house is empty that I feel all the more lonely. I want to go out and have fun with friends. I want to have coffee and engage in interesting conversation with friends.

One thing that I think has been helping me through this maddening depression is my piano. I can't describe what it does to me. I just know my life won't be the same if I'm stuck in some place without a piano.

A thought occurred to me a few days ago. Right now we tend to dislike the school system for all its pressures and demands, and sometimes we wonder if it is necessary. It very easily destroys our want for something else, and maybe it destroys our happiness too. But what if in the future, they have computer teachers at home (a bit like that story by Issac Asmiov)- and people there think back to the past and think, how glorious it would have been to learn with other people. (It occurs to me now this is reflected in the story, its title being "the fun they had")

The past has always seemed glorious to me. Maybe it has to other people too. But I get the feeling that something about life always remains the same, and one day, these modern grey dull boring buildings will seem beautiful impressive structures that mark the glory of our age.

Ms. Lonely

2010-07-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

There are 2 different Perfumed Mists sitting on my table at the moment. They were a present from a friendly friend of mom's. One of them is called Ms. Ever and the bottle is in the shape of a beautiful blonde-haried girl in a pink corseted dress. Like the Western traditional princess, with a look of grandeur and class. She smells like roses and baby's breath. The other is called Ms. Lonely and she looks like an arabic princess with black hair and in a green outfit. But she looks sad and serious. She smells of... I don't know, maybe this is what lilies smell like. My sister got the first choice, and she took Ms. Ever. So I took the other one.

I think that my recent downness-in-the-mood is partly due to my lack of blogging (it's just a possibility). This year I forgot to blog... a lot. I think it kinda helps to sort out your mind, a little bit. And these days I'm constantly angry or sad or just moody and I can't seem to do work. I've already chalked up a huge debt, and I'm constantly so busy with things other than work although Fly is over, and it's just this very heavy air of depression weighing down on me.

And I sound like an over-indulged kid who has had too much luxuries and doesn't know how to treasure the food, water, lodging, things, which are plentiful and glorious to those who have never had them.

I need to fix this problem soon.

Post-Fly

2010-07-14T05:32:00.001-07:00

Fly is over, and it's going to be really hectic around here.

I feel different. It's like some part of the old Hyo Lim was pulverised. She will never be here again.

Why is it that every time I come here to write something, I feel like I have nothing to say anymore?

Gripped

2010-06-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

These days I feel that there is an uncontrollable force around me that's whipping me into crazy things. Maybe there are several uncontrollable forces. It sweeps me into various circumstances, passions and mere thoughts.

I dream of... (in no particular order of preference)

Grand Pianos
Home-cooked food
Beautiful paintings
A warm bed
Starry nights
Someone to be with under such starry nights
Rose-scented baths
Black-and-white photographs
Gold rings
Tight bodices and flared skirts
A cooling gulp of water
Tailcoats and top hats
Dark Chocolate
Flowery perfumes
Marble chess pieces
Chords gently struck on a guitar
Sailing
Fantastical prose and poetry
Two butterflies in a garden
Crashing sea waves
String quartets in the streets
Handsome faces
Swans on a clear pale surface
A railway station in Korea
Sunsets
Bracelets of silver
Roses and Babies' Breaths
Flying aeroplanes
Weddings on cruises
Piano duets
Silk handkerchiefs
Typewritten love letters
Xiao Long Baos
Expensive paper
Ridiculous collars
Sharing umbrellas on rainy days
Full moons
Milk and honey and oil
Candlelit dinners with jazz pianos
Bedtime stories
Russian dolls
Hand cream
An ornament necklace
Clarinet serenades
Flour and sugar
Face powder
Poppies
Analogue clocks
Obscure theatres
Cavernous bars
Emeralds, rubies, opals
Llamas
Mazurkas
Cossack dancers
Pens writing in notebooks
Windy rainy cold days

Sometimes I just want to cry, oh good for nothing weak and selfish me.

So Dreadfully Stupid

2010-06-18T03:30:00.000-07:00

Back from cca camp...

...very sleepy and tired...

...don't feel like doing a thing...

...I feel emo...

...and i've been eating a lot of crap food. Crap food as in, not junk food, but outside food (which is often not so good for your body).

Today my piano teacher played Rachmaninov Concerto No. 2 (otherwise known as the Bells of Moscow). Unfortunately it wasn't the whole thing but just the first part. Such an honour to have that wonderful fantastical piece played on my humble piano! It was quite a moment.

I feel so uninspired and listless. And it's not like I've done almost any of my work.

stupid stupid

Dun Dun

2010-06-06T02:26:00.000-07:00

Recently I finished reading Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte. It is about Agnes Grey as a governess, and the many stifling challenges and conditions she faces from her charges as well as her superiors. I expected it to be somewhat dull in terms of plot, but no, it managed to keep me awake till dawn, although some of that has to be attributed to the jet lag.

The book also in some way reminded me of my forgotten notions of love, after many months of not reading any books but A Passage to India where the relationship between Ronny and Adela is so dull, with no hint of romance whatsoever but a slight animal desire in the back seat of a car; and not watching any films for a very very long time. As I saw how the familiarity between Agnes and Mr Weston grew, the innocent and good intentions they had (as compared to that of the ravishing Miss Murray and her suitors; for she sought only to attract as many men as possible, and break their hearts), the charming chance encounters they had while seeking to help those around them; the passionate but suppressed desires and longings Agnes had for Mr Weston, her fears and hopes, the discreet exchanges between the two of them- they reminded me how love is wonderful, how love values not only the other person but also oneself, how love values not only oneself but the other person. That in love it is not about petty games and gossiping. That lasting love is actually possible. And it occurred to me that I would be too young to understand such love.

Back from the UK

2010-06-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

I loved UK absolutely. It is full of history, wonder, nature, vast expanses (of which I like), literature, drama, romance, culture, cold air, luxuries and enchantment. Some of the things I enjoyed most were Lake District, Grasmere, Wordsworth's house, Rydal Mount, Haworth (and this quaint shop called Rose and Co.), Cambridge, THE THIRTY NINE STEPS OMG OMG, The Crucible, some very nice shops which sold mostly antique or romantic things, such as the typewriter I got at Camden, the taking of the Tube where we met football fervour and the standstill of an entire line; the meeting of Nanyang seniors at Oxford, the visit to the Ashomolean museum, our evenings at Travelodge and YHA. These are just some of the things.

I might or might not record these adventures. Currently I am undergoing jetlag; after tossing and turning in bed for an hour I read a book, watched a romance film, and here I am blogging. I really don't think anyone would read this now. Maybe a casual psserby.

Well, I would like to quote a few lines from a book I got in Cambridge. It is called Men Women & Wedlock, and it's a reprint of the edition that was first published in 1910.

In there, I read, among others:

1. Don't make love to a girl in a hammock; you may both fall out.

2. There's no time like the pleasant.

3. Love and Logic are not on speaking terms.

4. A slow girl often gets soonest to the altar.

5. Speaking of office-holders, few die and all are too patriotic to resign.

6. Never explain to a woman. If you want to convince her when you say "I love you," don't you be fool enough to add "You're such a jolly good sort".

7. We like our friends to be perfectly frank with us- about other people.

I will attempt to sleep now. And hope that I won't sleep tomorrow in Chinese.

This exciting air around me

2010-05-19T03:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the feelings I experience is almost dream-like. It can be unimaginable, unfathomable untl it happens, and when it happens I feel as though it cannot be real, that it is unreal, but surely it has to be real; and when it's over I feel still slightly the echoes of that wonderful feeling, it is like a dream you remember for a while. Like the after-taste that coffee or wine leaves behind on your tongue. It's not there, but you are still living in it. A litle.

Having a new piano teacher is like a huge relief to me. From the glass ceilings I have hit, or the 'narrow bottle neck' as I've heard, I have now been allowed to look toward a greater space. It's like I've always been looking at ceilings and suddenly I'm allowed to look at the starry night sky, and the moon. And breathe fresh night air. I have never realised, or heard, anyone play with such control and emotion. Well it could be hardly surprising since I haven't actually heard many people in real life play the piano. So absolutely sensuous and beautiful and charming.

One thing I have realised, is that although I have always longed for other instruments, especially the violin (and maybe the cello and the flute), I have somewhat overlooked the many possibilities and the memories that the piano has offered and given me. It's like the best friend who was forever in love with me. And therefore I have decided to focus mostly more on the piano, to love and well, kind of talk to it. Or it would be sad.

I feel absolutely wonderful and horrible and sad at the same time. It's a strange feeling.

I wish... I hope... And I wonder when I'll forget it all.

2010-05-17T05:40:00.000-07:00

A few more days and (hopefully) I'll be in UK.

I think I've become very annoying. Because I am starting to annoy even me. But it could have been a result of general annoyance at things perhaps, and it is a lame form of retaliation.

Sadness

Fantasy

2010-05-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

Whew, I don't think anyone reads this anymore. Unless somebody loves me.

Oh well, Term 2 has flown past D: there is still a week to endure. It's a sick irony that school drives us nuts and makes us want to die (unless you are a sado-masochist who loves it all; or just an overachiever) and when it's OVER, it makes us (for heaven's sake) MISS it. And we get all teary and miss our friends and miss our dear days in Nanyang... yeah 'dear days' you will be saying alright if you woke up and found out that you were sec one and you had to live through all four years all over again. I'm not saying school is horrible. But it's kind of tiring.

I realise this blog has stuck with me (however inconsistently) through my whole secondary school life until now; hopefully it can last till end of Nanyang:) Maybe even till JC. Thank you genius ducky :)

Oh man there are dear people out there whom I haven't talked to for a long long time.

Which reminds me to love the people around me for who they are; and today I felt happy to see everyone. I think sometimes I don't realise, and it's only sometimes that I see, that people are smiling and laughing and young and beautiful. We're young and beautiful and full of dreams of our own (if we didn't that'd be sad). And if people weren't weirded out I might just go about kissing everyone on the cheek to show them how much joy they give me.

Sounds kind of lofty, but there are moments at which I genuinely feel that way.

UK trip is coming soon!!! I hope I'll get much out of it. Or at the very least, to spend a while of my little existence with cool friends in a cool class.

Ta da da da da da da

2010-04-26T10:13:00.001-07:00

I realise I'd abandoned my blog for a long while...

I'd been feeling real shitty the past few days, weeks and months. I couldn't see a purpose in everything and I felt like giving up.

Also, I felt really lonely.

My emotions are like a sine graph; for now, they are okay, they have reached a stationary point. But stationary points are often turning points, and I don't know when I'll lapse into a sudden bout of depression again.

The past few weeks, I have come to realise a lot of things.

Also, I have drawn out in my head a few secret resolutions.

My art, my senses, how I love you.

Out of the Blue

2010-03-18T19:34:00.000-07:00

I decided to type out some random facts of myself. It is rather vain and pathetic maybe, but it's fun :D You know, the feeling that girls get when they all put make up in one room and compare their faces.

So. I...

-have wasted days, perhaps weeks of my precious life doing pointless things on the computer.

-am lazy.

-love chocolate. Haagen Daz belgium chocolate ice cream is absolutely divine.

-like going out.

-also like staying at home.

-marvel at my parents' ability to love each other for such a long time, and also marvel at their love for me.

-like the vague idea of Freddie Mercury. You know, the Queen guy.

-wish I could draw. But my lack of patience of with it wouldnt' have allowed me.

-wish I could dance.

-think that my primary school years were full of suffering.

-used to love disney princesses.

-want to travel all over the world. And fall asleep where the milky way is visible.

-love music that is intensely romantic.

-love good dinners.

-would like a bowl of hot spicy korean rice cakes in a freezing winter streeet :D

-would like a bowl of hot spicy korean instant noodles with friends :D

-want to go dunking in the swimming pool again someday

-have a bad habit of falling asleep in the afternoon.

-am still quite taken by Edward Norton.

-am starting to be taken by Oscar Wilde.

-am still quite taken by Trotsky.

-am wondering why I like so many dead men.

-am getting a little tired of school.

-love my friends.

-want to go back to korea.

That is all. What useless ways I spend my time.

Baa Baa Black Sheep Have you Any Wool?

2010-03-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

I am feeling kind of high for no reason.

My heart is being twisted by cruelty and selfishness.

Oh Hyo Lim what have you become? Something like a mini-monster, I think.

Speaking of monsters, I think the Medusa is pretty cool.

So was the Hydra.

And the Sphinx.

Oedipus was a very cool monster too.

Oh darling, you're a million ways to be cruel.

In what wondrous ways the heart works!

I'm flying, flying..

I wish I could fly. Like, fly an aeroplane, or fly to the moon, or something.

There's nothing I can know.

Perhaps... perhaps...

Oh well. I'm just a kitteh. A kitteh taken away from her original kittehland and brought up in a different place under a different momkitteh. I grew up thinking the momkitteh was my real momkitteh. Unknowingly. Having discovered otherwise, I'm just a lost kitteh, looking for my real momkitteh.

Will I ever return home? It's lonely and scary here.

Take me home... Please take me home...

Heady Days

2010-03-14T06:09:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Graces Camp, it was fun, especially the friends part.

I keep thinking of how cruel and twisted I am, and judging others make me feel ashamed of myself, and lamenting at society.

What is love? I keep asking myself that question these days. Human desire would never cease to fascinate me, for I cannot even understand my own. It is the most wondrous, yet the most dangerous thing, to desire something or someone. For that desire can lead to an obsession, the obsession to fragile pride. To break that pride would mean grief, perhaps rage. As was said, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Echoes

2010-03-05T05:12:00.000-08:00

Last day of lessons! :D

Lecutures, graces, dresses, dancing, food and lying in bed with friends to look forward to.

This brings back memories of last year's chalet, when we organised a chalet as a batch for our immediate seniors. I had loads of fun,although it was also really stressful and I came home exhausted, feeling as though I had organised and led a family of twenty for an overseas trip.

I sometimes wonder who even reads my blog. Maybe I am simply being pathetic by imagining that the whole world is interested in me, or maybe I am simply an individual who is writing something, anything, random musings, thoughts, feelings; and hoping someone will come along, who will understand and relate to whatever I write here.

Or maybe I'll look back at this thing in just say, one year, and think, what a lot of stupid things I did when I was 16 years old.

Yesterday I did PSL duty for the SAC. It had been quite some time since I had been there, and I was shocked by how much it had changed. The walls, once scribbled with our thoughts of fantasy, were whitewashed and painted over. Clean. It was as though a thousand voices had been silenced at once.

Also, the place was empty and quiet. I remember when I had been in secondary 2. The place had been going crazy, with people jumping around, screaming, having fun, playing. Now it was just nobody. I asked the PSL who was on duty as well, if anyone ever came here. She said no one did. And really, no one did, except for her friend, who came to accompany her doing homework.

I had explored around the place a bit. They had removed some of the dividers that had been there, making the emptiness seem more vast. There was an empty jar lying around, with the chocolate crumbs of something delicious that had once been in it. It was quite depressing to see it, as though there had been something really wonderful, but had been consumed by human gluttony. The waste was not bothered with by whoever had enjoyed that something wonerful, and was left empty, with traces of something good, that now seemed no longer good, but disgusting and insignificant.

There are some of the secondary 4 graduation gifts to the school, left behind by our seniors. I saw the 'I <3 NY' banner first. I hadn't actually looked at what constituted the large words, but now I saw. And I was quite surprised. I hadn't expected my photo to be in it. It was a photo taken with our theatre club batch, when we were still sec 1s. It was for our '07 production, MERCURY, to be included in the programme booklet. The photos of the other batch levels were there too, as they had been at the time- the sec fours, that seemed to me with so much grace and wisdom, the sec 3s, that seemed to me so vibrant, energetic and uplifting; and the sec twos, that seemed to me rather a quiet but pleasant group. And I saw myself three years ago, unsure, unaware of people politics, innocent in matters of the heart, excited of what the future held. Then, being a senior was something unimaginable and unthinkable. And time had passed so fast; I stood from where I had last been in as a sec 2, and as a senior watched my younger self.

I also saw the cushions, which had an assortment of buttons sewn onto them. There were three cushions, as I remember, and each of them had a numeber on it, which was supposed to show their class. I saw only two cushions, though. It was four zero something- that was all I knew. They beads, attached to the cloth with fine thread, signified to me all the laughter, the tears and the experiences they had in school, perhaps a special pride for the school and the acheivements they had acheived as friends. And, prophetically, on the '4', was sewn in three little alphabets: S R Q.

The SAC had entirely been a student initiative. On the wall was also something that inspired innovation and vibrancy of culture and thought. There were handprints of our past principal, Mdm Mak, and others who had made up Nanyang years ago. They are people whose faces I had never seen but whose glory I heard often about. It made me think of our seniors, our seniors' seniors, and their teachers who had made them what their juniors respected them for, who no longer existed in the school. They were like mythical legends who existed only in the imagined memories of the newcomers to the schools of that time.

There had been great achievements. For every batch, I could imagine the friendships they had, the pride they had felt as they did something together, the frustrations with homework, the long sleepless nights, the energy-filled activities and many, many things that I might only miss once they're gone. But now... they were simply echoes. No more people would now know of what they had done, or celebrated with them their joys... Whatever that they had then, lost now, would never breathe life again.

And now, everything was just so quiet in the SAC.

So I went back to my work.

Lonely

2010-03-02T04:23:00.000-08:00

I feel so tired. It's not just physical tiredness. It's the knowledge of us having to do work, work after work, which we kind of wonder sometimes what we do for. I look at my past worksheets and assignments and wonder why on earth did I spend so much blood, tears and sweat over these pieces of paper. I can't remember half the things I learnt then. Was all that stress and lack of sleep and ruining of body necessary?

I kind of try to smile and go on with life, but everything feels so heavy. I find it hard to laugh at the things I used to laugh at. Instead I laugh when I watch the Annoying Orange annoy the various fruit he meets. I also laugh when I see these fruit being cut up, squashed, pulverised, blended, or otherwise being brutally put to death. I don't know what else I laugh at.

Maybe I lost too much track of life, and this is the consequences I now face. I feel pathetic and miserable. I don't get it! I know a lot of funny and interesting things happened today but I cannot remember them. I wanted to record them and remember them. But it's so much easier to remember the dark and painful parts of my days. It's like they cling on to my mind.

I am a fail kittehz.

You Never Say Goodbye

2010-02-28T04:14:00.000-08:00

I suppose this is what it would feel like if you got drunk, and felt like throwing up.

I went to Brown Eyed Girls' concert yesterday, it was really great. The girls could really sing and their movements weren't bad, plus they had stage presence (unlike erherm. ahya so mean. but seriously he wasn't that entertaining). There was a game thing in between where they had four contestants up for a dancing contest, and another four contestants up for a singing contest. The emcee pulled it off pretty well, too. And there was a random joker at the back who shouted a few funny stuff.

For example, for the dancing contest, there were three girls and one guy dancing to each (brown-eyed girls') song as it came up. The girls were pretty good, and two of them were quite tied up. The guy was... basically freestyle, you could tell he didnt know the moves at all and made random gestures. When the host asks for the audience to cheer for the one they most like, random person at the back goes: THE GUY SHOULD WIN! SERIOUSLY! or something along those lines.

Another example: for the singing contest, there wasnt any "strongest" support for any of the contestants, except for one of them who didn't have much support as the rest. She had a beanie on and looked "kind of comical:, as the person behind me said. So except for this person the rest of them had to dance to 'Abracadabra' in order for the audience to judge who the best was. Two girls and one guy. The girls kind of had teamwork and stuff, and they figured out the moves which they couldnt remember. For the guy... he couldnt remember some of the moves, so he came up with his own cool ones. That earned him a lot of support.

... So the host asked the audience to cheer for the one they liked most, Random joker at the back: THE BEANIEGIRL!!

Okay i realise it doesnt sound quite as funny here, but yea, I laughed a lot.

And by the way, the guy won the singing contest (which actually kind of degenerated into a dancing contest).

Now I feel depressed and a little stupid... maybe this is what happens when you go clubbing/ have too much alcohol. I didn't have any alcohol. Serious. But this must be what will happen to you if you consume too much alcohol.

The sort of feeling, you know, when you were having a lovely dream, about your wildest desires, perhaps with a bit of darkness. Then you wake up, drenched in sweat, feeling hot and sticky, your head aches, your body aches, you feel like going back to bed but you need to go to the bathroom, you get up in a tortured manner and realise that it's ten-thirty a.m., you're late for school and you forgot to do your homework.

Bizarre Days at Sea

2010-02-14T01:09:00.000-08:00

I realise I haven't blogged in a while. Oh pretty, preetty lady! This Chinese New Year has been quite... weird. I had many new experiences and sensations; and am trying to express it in words, something. At the same time I feel exhausted and spent, as though everything is futile and temporary.

These days I feel as though I gratvitate between different states of mind. It feels weird. Sometimes I feel really young and sometimes I feel really old. Sometimes whatever I'm doing makes me feel really good and sometimes I do nothing and feel absolutely terrible. And I think about myself, other people, imagine what it would b like if I was someone else and looking at myself; I wonder what it is like for God up there who made the heavens and earth and created time; I wonder just how real is the past; did it really happen at all? And this reminds me of the mildly disturbing question Ms Tan asked in between Chemistry: "How do you know this is not hell?"

After I heard it at the (insert the russian name) strings concert last month, I've been listening to Tchaikovsky's Symphony 5. It's quite beautiful.

On Thursday for History we had watched Enemy at the Gates or something, which starred Jude Law and some Finnese guy. It's about the war between Germany and Russia, and the two best snipers from either side trying to kill the other. We should have a war movie marathon someday. And cause a major depression within our classmates. Tears, crying, disgusted squeals, disturbed moans, etc.

For now, I feel somewhat at peace, doing nothing.

Oh and don't remind me about stupid msg. It's very bad for your health.

And we move on fastly

2010-01-28T02:38:00.000-08:00

I just woke up after a nap.. it feels good to feel somewhat alert. These days I dont' think I'm thinking very much, I'm just going along with the rhythm the school teaches us to play every day... the same rhythm, day by day. Maybe it has variations. But the underlying structure is still the same.

Time is wonderful and puzzling. We often live our lives without thinking, doing the things that seem to make the most sense at that point in time. At that point in time, which can remain so fresh in our memories, we had expectations, dreams, uncertainty. But when we look back from where we are, nothing is uncertain; in our memories the truth has been established, an unbreakable, unchangable truth. Those expectations, dreams and uncertainty now seem to us so foolish, and the past feels as real as the present, yet it remains in our dreams, as intangible as the future.

We watched American History X in History today. I never knew there was such a thing called Neo-Nazism.

I don't feel like continuing because I don't sound like myself. Maybe it's because I'm feeling slightly gloomy. Oh well.

Music is good. I'll cling on to that for now.

Aish I'm just being stupid.

Just another thought... I want to spend a cool afternoon lying on the grass, humming a tune, looking at the clouds go by in the big blue sky. Maybe fall asleep. Then wake up again, and think some more. It's comforting, I think. And relaxing.

pascal ester de masood abooboo

2010-01-26T02:08:00.000-08:00

I realise I haven't posted in a while... I think the voices in my head are dying out. I feel flat. On the floor. And unable to move. It's heavy, it's slow, it's painful at times... I can't understand chemistry and it's annoying and I'm annoying because I don't sit down to study it. And I'm feeling rather hungry.

On a brighter side of things...

................................

.............

.......

..

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I feel non-existent sometimes. That is all.

And we all go boom

2010-01-10T23:36:00.000-08:00

I have discovered that Mondays on even weeks are going to be extremely tiring. It completely demands physical endurance, mental endurance, thirst and (maybe) hunger endurance. The day started with club run. Okay, except that maybe my body isn't used to it and I need to start training more. Then we removed the mulan banner (which was really impressive; i could imagine the glory of those good old days when I had still been in primary 5. anyway i want to do a really good production this year).

Following which, we had chemistry lab, which required discipline in the arts of diligence (hurryhurry do your experiment), prudence (don't spill chemicals, especially not acid on my theatre jacket, because it causes the jacket to turn purple), simplicity (keep your table neat) and respectability (don't talk, do your experiment respctably). After that it was time for PE! Which only showed me more how much more running I should do regularly.

And it was CCA auditions (second round)! It was quite interesting to see the sec ones respond to our improv which was set my Mr Ng. I feel... spaced out. Today was a spaced out day. Unfortunately a lot of us didn't have time to eat. Oh yeah halfway we had to go down to take photos for PSL, then rush back up again. To see the sec 1s in their auditions. And we overtime into the next lesson, which was Physics for me and Biology for Amanda See.

So, tired and excited at the same time, running to class, grabbing my stuff, running to physics lab, throwing down my stuff (whew the teacher isn't here yet), paying a last-minute visit to the washroom and running back again, feeling slightly exhausted and very hungry, back for physics where I felt apprehensive because I wasn't sure I completely understood oscillators, and their y plates and x plates and time bases and whatever confunded contraptions they had.

And... came to class again, for math (it had already started, ka boom boom). You've got to really admire Newton. First I learn of his astounding contributions to physics, and I decide that such wonderful discoveries are worth taking the subject for at least 2 more years, then he appears in sec four mathematics in the form of CALCULUS (i fondly remember professor calculus in the TinTin series). So a combination of physics and mathematics (all thanks to Newton): more running, dashing (with a sort of labouredness) up and down the stairs, carrying notepapers and hoping they won't fall out of your hands, working your brain up to a fit because you can't, for a blessed kiss on the naked scalp of Professor Calculus, understand Newton and Gang's too-true theories which have lain undisputed for centuries.

By this time I am craving for water and I find none in my bottle. This is where thirst endearance comes in, despite what we learnt in P.E. today.

And now I'm here, horrified to find that I had completely forgotten I'm going out tonight, and not very likely to finish anything at all.

Boom!

(by the way, don't think of boomz. boomz is lame. and the more you say it, the less cool you are, and the more cool you are making ris low to be, while you are being more in self-denial. so don't think about it. i mean, seriously don't. because it's really shing- I mean it's really uncool.)

(and also, you would have noticed today is not my politically right in speech and grammar day, so please bear with it if this article happens to annoy the differentiation out of you).

(and one more thing: actually there is nothing. I just wanted to add something here for the sake of adding it.)

And we all go to school

2010-01-05T02:01:00.001-08:00

Just a note that I have removed my cbox due to people impersonating other people and someone polluting my cbox. It was insulting and humiliating, and I don't want that kind of thing to ever happen again.

School is... weird! It feels as though I woke up to find that all the seniors have suddenly disappeared. And it's very tiring. I need to sleep earlier.

My last year in Nanyang has begun... somehow I feel that I am going to experience a lot of good things as well as a lot of bad things.

I feel a bit woozy, so not much to say today :)

25 December... you know what that means, don't you?

2009-12-24T19:51:00.000-08:00

The christmas feels normal. Just a few simple moments shared with family members, good wishes exchanged between friends, a bit of time reflecting on the year and about the future that is to come. Not that my soul is at peace, for I am always terrorised by something out there, but it's just, normal. At least there are no explosions or earthquakes or anything.

These days were spent quite emptily; I haven't used my holiday to the fullest extent, a lot of time was squandered away. But i'm glad that the voices in my head are back again. In my childhood these voices were very clear, and they spoke to me, and I spoke to them, although I was too young to understand or comprehend, and the voices being young, did not say anything pertinent either. I am not being Joan of Arc here, but simply referring to the part of me that reflects on my daily life, that draws the connections between different aspects of my life, makes me notice the simple wonders of the world, that allows me to dream, that teaches me to think and appreciate stories, poems, languages, not just romanticise their existence. They allow me to read stories as well as attempt to think up stories, to dream up phrases and characters and possibilities and to consider the past with a hazy clarity.

I might sound vague and slightly flowery, but I have always appreciated the voices, for they confirmed that I was different from other people. However, those voices had died out gradually after nine years of Singaporean schooling. The past, which had always been so fresh in me, or at least the sensations of the past and the major events so clear, had been reduced to a distorted blur of my life that did not exist. I couldn't remember what happened the day before, and I could only worry about the days to come, and of memorising everything I was supposed to memorise and understanding everything I was supposed to understand and solving all the problems I was supposed to solve and forming all the essays I was supposed to write and worrying, and worrying, and worrying that the world will end the next day because I forgot or don't have time to do something, or worrying that the world will really end the next day and I died without having properly lived at all.

But the holiday and its emptiness and my increased time for pondering and munching over things allowed those voices to be resurrected somewhat. They are back. And I am relieved as well as slightly worried, because while I am glad I can hear myself once again I am worried about sinking too much into my own world and losing track of reality, and while I am worried about that I am also worried that the voices would disappear, which is even worse. But aside from those slight worries I am pleasantly surprised. The voices haven't been completely dead; they have grown with me, and our echoes complement one another.

But there are three more years of school to go, which are going to be more intense and exhausting than anything I've experienced thus far. I do not want to lose those voices again, even if I end up with some coveted job, I might think twice about it if it means losing my voices and being completely assimilated into a giant money-making machine simply because society says it's what everyone is after, because then my life would be spent listening only to other people's voices and never my own, and I would lead an empty existence.

I would be going to church today, to celebrate Christmas the way I think should be celebrated.

This year I have made plenty of mistakes, fallen into numerous pitfalls, sustaining injuries in both body and spirit. My only hope is to correct these mistakes next year, and to avoid the same pitfalls, and that my will would be strong enough to stamp out the voices which urge me to follow paths of delight that end in pain and guilt.

I think there are many things that we feel that we are not aware of, or find it hard to describe. Good writers and poets do precisely that, with astounding accuracy and intensity, and I think that's what I respect them for.

And lastly, to Fart (I know who you are, and it was completely irrelevant for you to do that when you know that I would know immediately): Stop calling yourself Fart, because I don't think you would like me to call you Fart, Fart, and stop polluting my tag box because it's not improving my blog at all, which you claim to be doing.

And Merry Christmas.

Dadee Dum Dum

2009-12-14T00:24:00.001-08:00

It's been a week since I returned from Korea, and I'm starting to miss all those overseas trips I had this year. I'm also thinking about various things that happened, new people I'd met, experiences I'd had, and how I'm going to improve myself this year.

But this post isn't about all that New Year's Resolution thing. I'm not spending my holidays wisely, and I'm unhappy about it. I was also feeling a little depressed, not that kind of depressed but the kind of depression I get sometimes in the middle of an exam- why am I doing this? Why am I studying things I don't want to study?
Why am I worrying over my marks and my position in class? Every time it's holiday time I discover I have NOTHING TO DO, and that's depressing because that means I dont know what I like to do, or I'm very lazy, or I'm going to end up in some boss' company and receiving orders from other people. And I don't see the point. Apparently you can't succeed if you can't get into university, and if you want to get into university you have to get good marks by swallowing all the work they force-feed you.

I like history, I like english and literature, I like physics (not so much of chemistry, sorry) and math is all right if you happen to understand it, and although chinese is hard I'm kind of okay with it. I just don't understand the busy schedules and all the 'you have to do it if not you fail'. Just look at Toto-chan's school, they might not be the superbrains but they all developed a passion for learning and doing what they really wanted to do, and she had friends who ended up being scientists and all that. And she herself became a writer, which I find admirable. Even in the holidays the school bombards us with homework, and I don't feel like doing work cos I dont want to do something if it's just to get high marks, and I can't play either cos there's work I haven't done and it gets on my mind. It's stupid, I end up sleeping, I wake up and feel like sleeping some more.

When I have children of my own I am going to let them play when they're young. In primary school I just did everything I was told to do, and then in the middle of PSLE i started wondering what was the point of all of this. I think creativity is very important, and there are some experiences you can only have when you're a kid. If society puts them into a system where they are supposed to study if not have their futures ruined, I think I'll homeschool them or something. If I ever have kids that is.

In Paulo Coelho's The Witch of Portobello there's a point where the main character says that someone might be passionate about being a blacksmith, but because society says that you need to go to a university that person would end up wasting his life on something he doesn't want to do. It's not like I'm against universities, I mean I think I can learn a lot from them, I think that universties are exciting, but I want to know why I'm going to a university before I apply for one. If not I'll be very miserable for my entire life.

I think I'm going to need more courage in my life, because I think to stand up for something that many other people don't belive in, and to perservere in that dream I would have to have plenty of courage. I didn't when I was young, and I'm still very very afraid. Sometimes I feel that I don't have that much self-esteem and that a big part of it's just stupid pride. Sometimes I feel that what I'm doing is only because I'm afraid what would happen to me, and not what I truly want to do.

It's great if you take joy in studying and have a goal in your mind, but what if your life's dream is to be a musician or something, and because you were studying you didn't do much music. A lot of help mugging books is going to help in that dream. It's like we're only going to be recognised if we follow the system and become doctors and lawyers.

Charity and community service? Yeah, we're doing this out of goodwill, not to mention the CIP points and building up our portfolios. No, really, it's not for the CIP points. But you do realise we need those, don't you?

Medical Check-up

2009-12-01T03:57:00.000-08:00

Today I had the most harrowing as well as interesting experience in Asan hospital. I went in not too worried, I mean, it's just a check-up right? My mom's appointment was at 7.30 a.m., and mine was at 12.30 p.m., but we (that includes mom, uncle and me. uncle is mom's younger brother) decided to all go to save uncle the trouble of journeying twice. We left home early to make it on time, but when we got to the carpark there were 2 cars parked in front of uncle's. Which is to say, if his car was parked correctly in a rectangle marked out, two cars were parked prependicularly to his, and blocking its way. After a series of hurried phone calls and going up to wake the owners of those cars (they didnt pick their phones), the cars were finally cleared. We got there finally. But circumstances required that I only come at 12.30 p.m. (not the fault of the hospital), and I came home for a bit more of sleep.

So I went back after catching up a bit more on sleep, and in the hospital I was given a key to my locker to place my belongings. I was to change into patient clothes. They were large and comfortable. I was to wear slippers around too. The locker room reminded me of Korea's public baths, where people get keys to lockers and directly strip naked in front of the lockers. Then they place their clothes and belongings in their lockers. (Singaporeans may be scandalised. But don't be too worried as the locker rooms are single sex.)

After meeting with the nice counter lady and confirming a few details, I was to start my medical examination! (it sounds like I was trying to become some doctor). The first station: blood testing. More like blood drawing. Doctors seem to love my left arm, they almost only draw blood from that arm. (the blood vessels are more visible). They took about six tubes of blood (the tubes were of different colour). The needle wasn't that painful either. Feat number 1 accomplished. So far so good.

Second station was rather bland. It was about food. Basically it was a questionaire about how much of what kind of food I consume, at what frequency. The person simply asked me questions, and I answered them, and the person would click her mouse. In the room were also different kinds of food wrapped in plastic (I don't know if it was real food), their serving sizes and energy stated. Okay, a bit boring but passable.

Third station looked dangerous. The door was closed, and a big RADIOACTIVE sign in red and yellow stated clearly that it was dangerous to enter the room when not told to. But as it turned out all they wanted was a picture of my chest. Not so bad.

So when I was waiting for the fourth station I thought it wouldn't be too bad either, since it was right next to the X-Ray room and it had the big radioactive sign too. Not so good. I was in for torture. Before I entered teh room I was given a little bit of medicine. It was weird and sickly. After a while I entered the room. I was made to take off my slippers and stand on this machine which was a flat vertical board, with handles.

I was given a cup with a white milky substance in it, and told to drink it when given the signal. I was shocked by its weight, because it was a small amount of liquid, so I asked "Excuse me, why is this so heavy?" The doctor simply said with a mild laugh, "Yeah, it is heavy". The liquid seemed very, very dense to me. I was given further instructions, which sort of disturbed me. Apparently there was going to be a bit of pain.

I was told to drink a mouthful of the medicine, and it tasted like very concentrated milk powder, yoghurt and plastic. (my brain was screaming I DON'T WANT TO DRINK THIS and at the same time my mind was screaming YOU NEED TO COME ON IT'S MILK IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!) And then there was this metallic arm with a white semi-sphere at the tip, that was about the size of my fist. And then the thing started to invade my stomach area, rather rudely. It was like a punch delivered really slowly. And it hurt. And the process repeated several times. And I got scolded by the doctor because my body wouldn't relax and it automatically turned in the wrong directions. At the same time, it was really disturbing for me to see the x-ray of my own stomach, with the black stuff inside (the really heavy medicine that i just drank). When the white thing pressed me the liquid in my stomach got pressed and squished too. In the midst of all this, a special camera was taking photos of my insides.

And then the flat metal board I was leaning against would move too, going down flat so that I ws facing up, parallel to the ground. And then changing angles again, and the white thing pressing, and then the doctor telling me to move to the right, or to the left, or face down, or turn round and round. It was a little scary, a little humiliating, slightly torturing. I was glad to get off the machine. Somewhere in the midst of all this I also had to nearly finish the really heavy medicine. Somehwere in the midst of all this, I also felt like throwing up.

After that I was given some water, and told that the really heavy medicine would cause constipation, as if I wasn't constipated enough already on a daily basis. I was given a small packet of bowel control granules or something, and told to eat it after meal.

Finally I was out of that terrible station. Next was something more peaceful. It was an eye test. Surprisingly, my eyesight hadn't deproved since the last time I had changed my spectacles, which was last year I think.

Moving on to the sixth station, where they measured my blood pressure, heart rate and all that. It was quite disturbing too, because the doctor stuck tubes on my chest and my forehead. But it was over quickly.

The seventh station was also something to do with eyes, and a little tense too. For each eye you would stare into this machine, where you have to look at a blinking green light (this reminded me of the Great Gatsby). You know that something startling is gonna happen to your eye, and it did. The hardest moment is when you ahve to stare at the green light, because it's like staring macho-ly at an enemy who is going to shoot you in the eye.

After that I went to the eight station, where it was a general physical test. I had to put on socks and training shoes, in the middle of a hospital. I had a number of tests to complete:
1. stand-and-reach test; how far down i can reach with straight standing legs
2. high jump test
3. how hard you can press test
4. how long you can remain standing on one foot with your eyes shut test
5. how you maintain your speed on a bicycle test

And then I changed into my regular clothes, the physical tests were finally over. I moved on to somewhere else with my belongings, and waited an hour before seeing a psychologist.

I had filled in a questionaire the day before, and it seems like I have a high stress level. If not controlled it can lead to depression and etc, and the talk was quite depressing. Even the questionaire had been depressing, since the questions made me think back to my worst and most stressful moments in life.

After that i went to the lounge to get some complimentary food (pumpkin soup, milk and bread). I met with mom, and she looked exhausted (she'd been having more tests, since she started way earlier).

For dinner we had eel and a lot of other seafood, with japanese elements.

And the day ended.

(I was tempted to dramatise the whole issue, saying that I was trapped in a maze or something and I had to encounter the Eight Trials. But I was too tired.)

Sometimes

2009-11-23T09:07:00.000-08:00

It's strange that I feel so empty, these days I have almost nothing to say on my blog.

It's funny, how humans are such pathetic little creatures. We boast of being able to move the seas and surpass the mountains, but we are like the breath of the wind; what we do here today, with all out pride, confidence, all of it will be gone tomorrow. Who would remember us a thousand years later? Where would we be in a century? What is the use of all this toiling?

I will call out to you in the dark, I will raise my voice until you hear me, please do not ever reject me, for I am helpless and faint, my body is weak. Please touch me, please always pick me up when I fall. My flowing tears, only you can wipe them off my face. Touch my heart, and fill me up with glorious being.

For I know your spirit is good.

Days when I can Finally Sleep

2009-11-09T23:55:00.000-08:00

My holidays have been spent relaxing, sleeping, laughing, crying, reading, playing music, listening to music, watching things on the television and daydreaming, so far. Television has some interesting things, like History, Discovery and National Geographic channels. I discovered it on the day before my Mathematics examination, where I watched a documentary about Mt. St. Helens erupting and the devastation it caused to the campers who went there (and the death of a scientist). Recently I watched one that was about space science and rocket research in Hitler's time. Quote: "Initially all the scientists wanted to do was to get to the moon", but Hitler saw potential in using the rockets as weapons. The programme also reminded me of Professor Calculus from the TinTin series, which I really enjoyed for its combination of humour, deus ex machina, historical contexts (particularly) and distinctive characters. (The only part I disliked was the cartoonist's portrayal of women.) Professor Calculous, in one of the episodes, builds a rocket with the help of the personnel in a space research centre, and flies to the Moon with Tintin, Snowy, Captain Haddock and two detectives (and one other person).

I have to change my sleeping pattern! It is so easy to come online and slack, and it is so addictive to continue until your fire burns out, and you collapse into bed only because of exhaustion, without the drive and passion for tomorrow and what it would bring. (Which is why I have trouble waking up as well). I shall attempt to sleep earlier, with the limit being 12am. Which means, I would have to get offline by 11.30 pm. Not very likely.

Mom's away in Korea, and the house is quiet and empty except for myself and the domestic servant (I realise I am being politically correct here), and sometimes it feels peaceful and serene to be alone in the house (almost), playing the piano, hearing the notes resound through the living room, knowing that the melodies would be heard by the housekeeper and the neighbours who would probably be eating (around lunchtime), watching television or cleaning the house. Or I would be reading, and whoever translated the original piece of work has a really advanced level of vocabulary, because I have to check the dictionary at least once for every paragraph that I read. It gets really frustrating if I encounter the same word again later, and I have to check the dictionary again, because the words are almost shouting at me, go on reading! go on reading! and there is an imp inside me that goes, what is the meaning of that word!!! and then my eyes just roll over the dictionary searching for it, finds another word that it doesnt know, thinks, oh, how interesting, before realising that I have forgotten what was the original word that I was supposed to check.

I think my life has been defined by love, mostly from my mother, who taught me to love others, to show respect for one's parents, that I mattered to her, to others who cared for me, and that no matter what I did, no matter what horrible crimes I committed, that family would always be there to accept me and forgive me. My mother was the one who shares regularly with me on God's love, who taught me to love and care for my sister, who taught me to embrace life and love my friends, and at the same time to carry out wise and practical decisions. So without her in the house I feel that it has grown colder, much emptier, and although the lonliness sometimes feels appealing to me I do wish that she would come home soon, along with her discipline, authority and warmth.

Tonight I will be going out to watch Victor Victoria! With a friend whom I knew when I was 11 years old (oh no it feels only like yesterday that I met her, when did I become 15), but lost contact a few years later. She and I seem to have grown, and my sister too, but her little brother is still as cute (just maybe a little bit bigger).

Home-made yoghurt is best, I feel like having some now :) And I should start learning to cook a bit, because if mom isnt with me I would still like to be able to eat the same dishes.

3 more nights to Taiwan!

Last Day of School

2009-11-06T07:34:00.000-08:00

I witnessed secondary four graduation tonight. It was tiring.

I can't post anything now... all the words I try to form sound superficial and weird. I shall just have some thinking time while listening to music.

Good music :)

Fingertips Dancing over Keyboards

2009-11-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

Whew :) haven't blogged in a while. Dramafest, HIC and the desire to rest got to me, and for the first time after EOYs ended I truly feel like I am resting. I even have the desire to treat my responsibilities with passion, not obligingly. There are some benefits in being sick.

Thank you to everyone who wished me well:)

And we're going to Tawiwan next Friday!

The Life of a Theatre Girl

2009-10-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

Dramafest'09 is coming up! :D It's tiring, you go to school every day of the supposedly fun and relaxing Marking Days and work on proposals, watch the Sec 2s with their plays, help in their technical stuff like lights and sounds, put on the cans which squeezes your skulls. And you put up with plays that aren't ready yet or difficulties arising here and there. But it's all done in the Theatre jacket, and I am really proud of us:) for now. Cos we need to work harder to make it a success!

Whoo, the whole saturday has gone past already :( and still the only free time i have is in the evenings, when i besically do what i did for the rest of the year: slacking online. No good! I need to do crazy things like going parachuting or something. Okay maybe parachuting sometime in the future, but at least like staying out till 1am or something.

The auditorium sound system is super good! And I love the effects of the lights, the cyc and the whole cans system :D It makes everything very professional. I love the cold air of the audi as well:) and the dressing room in which i have so many memories, of preparing for shows, of briefings, of conversations and make-up and radio-ing and passing of messages. Where generations of theatre people grew up and left.

And painting boxes that day was epic. I thought someone had opened the sewage pipes when I was painting the boxes. After that I realised where the smell was from, and it was really funny. For some reason. So we moved out the boxes which we had newly-painted.

The days may be long and tiring, but I hope that there will be laughter and smiles admist the sweat and tears :)

All day long I'd biddybiddybum

2009-10-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

So many, so many things have changed since the end of last year. I miss sec 2 a lot.. but there is still sec 4, and the rest of my life to look forward to. Even if the world's ending tomorrow.

I need to spend more time in church! I feel like attending two services. Because I have my own section to attend, and then there is this really good pastor in the next session.

There were a few things getting to me these few months... throughout this year I had more disturbed dreams, I became a lot more tensed up and jumpy.

But I also discovered a whole world of... romance? Not love, but the things that I discovered and loved, starting from Sophocles, to madness (this existed from last year), to the Great Gatsby, to King Lear, to the Russian Revolution, to Great Expectations, to Danse Macabre (and Kim Yuna), to History Boys (ah i still have not watched it!), to Dead Poets' Society, to Bohemian Rhapsody, to coffee, to Chiang Kai-shek, to G-dragon and Linsha-ness, to Fiddler on the Roof, to singing with Vanilla Ice-Cream, to basketball (okay not romantic but very very fun), to the lunches outisde our classroom with ONGGGA ONGGGA and some very insightful conversations exchanged, to soundwaves from all directions.

But the thing disturbing me. I just realised it tonight, and it is the fact that throughout this year I have hardly been able to hear myself think, everything is just shouting at me and I can only struggle to catch up with whatever forces are dragging me along. When there is silence, it's only because I am temporarily blocking out the voices which are still shouting at me. And I still can't think. There is a horrible emptiness, of futility and death before living.

I need to think. I need to think. I want to play hard, but that shall wait... and hopefully my victory will be sweeter, and not made sickly sweet and sticky. I don't want to become weary of all, but to renewed and rejuvenated.

At times like this I wish I could go on an ice cream outing with someone I can talk lots of interesting things about.

I should sleep.

Walking on a Tightrope

2009-10-18T10:17:00.001-07:00

I remember the days when I thought the world revolved around money and power and there was nothing more important than staying cool-headed and getting what you want.

It's surprising how things change, how you suddenly turn cynical towards everything that you trusted and believed in. I have grown, I have learnt, and the world is as twisted and confunding as it ever can be, even with the way Newton subsumed the universe under 3 equations, because we are humans and will always remain as humans.

I have come to highly value things in life such as friendship, laughter, imagination, honour and loyalty. It is always that shoulder that's there to cry on, that presence that makes you feel safe, warm and loved, that special person whom you shed your tears for, which are really the things worth living for in life.

And to think of the future, everything is uncertain, but imagine- whether successful or not, in a posh apartment or begging on the streets, in love or no, married or no, with kids or no, as we slowly grow older, time passes, and one day we will be very old, or dead. And the younger generation would have come, and we would have melted away in the dust for ever, remembered perhaps by many, or none. Though we may strut around, as self-assured little beings, or emo continually about how sucky our lives are, one day we will be gone. And as I may have learnt from Dead Poets' Society, I do not want to be on my deathbed, and realise that I had not lived.

There is a question I have been asking myself: is romanticism really that bad, as the March and October Revolutions of Russia in 1917 had been dangerously romantic, or is it part of who we truly are, how individuals who love life, feeling the intensity and rhythm of it, perceive and portray their lives and those of others? I suppose there is a certain sort of romanticism that I seek when I read, when I write, when I play my music, when I soak myself in other people's music. And I suppose that is why I like paintings so much better to photographs. It shows you the painter's inner feelings and views toward an object or issue, not the cold, hard, concrete thing as you see it, diminished and of poorer quality than the original.

The world is unfair, and there are so many wants, needs, desires that one can have. Power, status, money, influence, love, these are things that we always seek in our lives. We are beings difficult to please, and it's hard to make us happy for long. How proud we can be of ourselves, how angry and self-righteous we can be, how inferior we can make others feel! Look at the cliques, the vicious gossiping, the ranks, the hierarchies, the murderous envy and jealousy, the anger, the backstabbing, the stereotypes, the impressions, the judgements, everywhere in our lives and throughout history. O wretched, wretched!

I dream such sweet dreams. And yet there is always the hand that shakes me awake, and I open my eyes, hurt by the sunlight and with a throbbing headache.

And for now, I dream of trotskiies, music, books, interesting conversations, poetry that make really deep impressions, prose that's like an orchestral masterpiece, mom's cooking, good films, climbing mountains, rivers, seas, forests, and a friend I can lean on and sigh about the world, or make exclamations, or just fall asleep on.

It will be a miracle if I manage to study math tomorrow.

Rah Rah

2009-10-17T00:37:00.000-07:00

That was my official motto for the whole of the exams, and it will continue to be so until tuesday :)

This eoys doesn't feel like eoys. It just feels like, stress, but you can't actually finish studying, and then one day you wake up it's time to go to school to take the exam. Then in a few hours' time it's all over, and you don't feel anything at all. No relief, maybe a bit sad and angry at how you screwed the paper up, just a little touchy here and there, but it's over, and tomorrow is another exam, and it doesn't feel like it's gonna end, and you have a mild headache.

Next year's gonna be two times worse! :D

I want to go somewhere cold this holiday, and the best would be to go to Russia/ Shanghai/ Korea and climb mountains during the autumn. But none of these plans seem likely to come true. Probably I will be staying home all day, and doing CCA stuff, and playing my piano or going out to watch a couple of movies.

Here are a few quotes that come to my mind right now:

"How was physics?" --314ers + enting

"Ahhh geog and bio!!!" --- michelle

"Quiz Time!" --- lin sha

"Ahya. Singapore lah" -- aircon

"That means she fell from a height higher than Mount Everest!"

"I forgot everything already! Deleted!" --mrs chang

"Bu yao yi wei ta men nv hai zi hen ke ai! ta men hui diu da bian de!" --taxi driver

"You should trust me! I'm a guy! (grow your hair!)" --mr kevin chan

"Hyo Lim had too much helium" -- mr kevin chan (in the middle of class. I was like, !?!!?!?!?)

"Beijing. Shanghai. Hujintao. Xiaolongbao." --carissa + michelle + yujie + me

"Stalin's aims were to... get into power, stay in power and... to be very powerful" --ms ong

"You know I had a weird dream yesterday.." -- Amanda

"Flash me" --ms chua

"HAI!" --yuxin (with her white flashy smile)

"The toilet is a longkang" --Amanda Ong (in China now)

I don't want to graduate! I think I will miss nanyang a lot. A lot. I love our class and ms teng and cca and my interests.

My math is quite dead since I conked out yesterday after physics and managed to acheive nothing after that. Oh i managed to play piano and start reading a new book.

In the meantime, I'll try to remember more quotes :)

Riding on your papa's shoulders

2009-10-04T01:04:00.000-07:00

Today on the way to church I saw a little girl with golden hair and fair skin. She was on her dad's shoulders, who looked around before crossing the road, balancing his daughter carefully as he walked. The child, as children do, was playing with her father's hair, completely oblivious to everything.

That scene, although it lasted only a moment, was so claming.

I had been on my dad's shoulders too, when I was young, about four or five years old. We were witnessing some sort of lantern festival I think, where there was lots of shouting and lights at a big green field in a neighbourhood. It was really exciting to be so high up, yet so protected.

And I suppose this would be a mere shadow of how the Lord would carry us on His shoulders.

Shock, Horror

2009-09-26T04:55:00.001-07:00

I just realised that there are only about three days to the EOYs. And I haven't done a lot of things, like reading any of the li jies, or doing any of the unseen passages or finishing any particular topic for IH or math. Screwed, but right now I am a bit too busy with Danse Macabre on the piano, played by Sandro Russo.

These days are like a dream, and I have so many new experiences and so many new thoughts occur to me, and I don't actually remember them when it comes to posting about them here, or when I am thinking about the life I am leading now.

I realise that I am actually quite scared of everyone in general. It may be that I feel really young next to some people, who seem so mature and knowledgeable about things. Examples will be those who can manage their work really well, or display so much maturity in their viewpoint of life. I am also scared of people, maybe because of the way we interact among people. I do not like it when people are 'false' to one another, when they cover up their emotions and have pretend something they aren't to people around them. But hey, don't I do it too?

On the other hand I realise that I tend to jump to rash conclusions, whatever is convenient at the time, something which isn't advisable because I find that I regret it later. I have a problem, managing what I think and feel, because maybe I am so insecure that I DO NOT KNOW what I am actually thinking, because I actually know what I am thinking, and am afraid to admit the truth of what I am thinking and lie to myself about them, but I don't want to accept the lie either. Ahh so confusing. And I am scared of people, and I can end up coming across as non-existent or really horrible, or just a sucker. Maybe I need to go for a bit of counselling.

I think that there are two sides to everything, and no one can entirely in the right or entirely in the wrong. We may accuse people of being false or mean or horrible, but, they have good points in them too. Similarly, though we may not like to say it, we have our various weaknesses and flaws (albeit them being not as atrocious as those of others).

There are so many people maturing and changing out there! I try to grow up too. Maybe I am leading too sheltered a life, but I feel so intimidated by a lot of people, who seem to understand and know a lot better and a lot more than I do.

I have been sleeping really long really! I have no idea. I can sleep 10 hours for a night, and then take a three-hour nap sometime in the day. It is horrible, because it just means more hours in unconsciousness. And lack of brain activity in the right areas.

I have been wondering about what I should do right after EOYs. Currently I am thinking of the following:
-going to a music store and checking out classical instrument records
-going to Kinokuniya and looking through all the books there
-spending my time at home or at a cafe with a good book at hand
-sleeping early and waking up early, and taking a walk outside for a while
-watching History Boys! and a couple of movies like Gone with the Wind, Amelie, Ratatoiulle, The Pianist, ...
-staying up late and going wild somewhere... with someones.
-class chalet!
-making music!
-dancing in the rain!
-singing with Vanilla Ice Cream
-anything else that pops up in my mind.

And of course I am in for lots of 'fun' with Anne and Enting. And getting high with Pun Meister and Official Trend Watcher and my brothers and my wife and the Artistic Director and Chief of Korean Pop and the rest of 314!!!

Although, for now, I am a bit screwed. Very screwed because exams are like three days away.

Whatever comes to my head

2009-09-21T05:04:00.000-07:00

Right now in front of me are two night-moths or something in the process of creating a new generation. It was quite fascinating. I have this blue lamp, and it wasn't on. There was this moth flying around the lamp, and I saw this other moth on the lamp, crouched and barely visible. The flying one flew onto the lamp, crawled around until it found it, then it sort of "attacked" the other moth. Next thing I know, the two of them are attached by their bodies. Their feelers are quivering without end, but the one under has two feelers quivering while the other, larger, onnly has it's right feeler moving. I have no idea why I am recording this in such detail but I suppose I am very fascinated and it is not a common sight to see. I have a compre on animal experimentation and 1001 other things to do but whatever. I decided to disturb it. So in its upside-down position I used the butt-end of my pen and flicked the couple at where they were connected (omg why does it sound so wrong). Amazingly, they remained connected, and dropped down to the table. And it's been past at least 10 minutes since they did that, I think. And the feelers are still quivering, pretty much in the same way.

Today I just got reminded of the fabulous basketball game where I scored all the goals for both teams. (Haha it was 1:1, thanks to my initial stupidity). But, basketball is really fun. I remember enjoying watching slam dunk. With the red-headed guy and lukawa and the gorilla-dunk and all. :D

A cup of tea

2009-09-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

My days of life, so far, have been quite eventful. Yesterday was quite terrifying. I came back from MOE GEbranch, to school, and it was past 5pm by then. After everyone else had left (around 6pm), I was left quite alone, so while waiting for Charlotte I decided to entertain myself with the classroom computer and projector system. I decided to take a nap after that, collapsing at my desk and letting my mind blank into unconsciousness. When I woke, the dull golden sunshine had disappeared and it was dark outside. The lights in the classroom was unusually bright, and it was cold, and I checked my phone to see that it was already 7pm. It really was quite terrifying. In my mind I projected wild beasts coming after me (in the form of security guards) and gates shutting me in the lonely school, and that so much time had passed there was no hope for me anymore, and the whole weekend was gone and I had done nothing... So I hurriedly packed my things, checked the area, switched off all the lights and walked quickly into the semi-darkness. I think it was the light that terrified me more, because the lighter it is in the classroom, logically speaking, the darker it would be outside. In the alalarmed state I phoned Charlotte, about a minute after I had missed her call. She missed mine as well. Then, I calmed down for a bit, and I shut the doors of the classrooms, and promptly received a call from Charlotte.

I feel vaguely comforted for now, because I slept quite a plentiful sleep and I just spent the morning reading Great Expectations. Great Gatsby, Great Leap Forward, Great Wall of China, Great Terror, Great Depression, Great Singapore Sale, Great White Shark, Alexander the Great, seriously, the term 'Great' is great indeed. Just felt like listing the greats I know :)

I shall off to a lantern festival thingum in a few hours! What a lovely way to spend time.

Empty Pages

2009-09-16T04:14:00.000-07:00

My life has been so screwed up, recently. It is always in trouble, but these days the pressure is double and I can't keep up with the busy schedules the school sets for us (which, in both my quiet and crazy times, I liken to the Stalinist Five-Year Plans).

It is quite a pity, though, because we are leading such prosperoud lives, in the prime of our lives (okay we are approaching the prime of our lives), with the spirit and liveliness of youth. I see the faces around me, they are all beautiful and radiant. But the rigid way of our lives makes us moan and complain, or collapse on our desks, or sometimes show extreme irritation at one another.

Secondary school is amazing. At the end of Sec 1 I considered that I had matured a lot (compared to the end of primary 6), learning new things, meeting new people, having entirely new experienes. I enjoyed sec 2, learning more things and tasting pleasure at some things :D and coming to sec 3, I realise how young I was, even then. HP has officially made me crazy.

And, I wonder how much further I will have to go. If my life is a book, I still have many, many empty pages that could be written on.

To make myself feel better I went to sleep a few hours and woke up to listen to some music and I went on the ForBidden Place. That was, very unhelpful.

People have been telling me my haircut doesn't suit me, but I don't care. I cut my hair in order to be LIBERATED, as well as other practical purposes.

I must never forget why I am here.

May I be salvaged.

Scent of Home

2009-09-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Today I went to watch JUMP!, a Korean martial arts comedy, that is internationally acclaimmed and had several (if not many) soldout performances. Entering the hall, I felt the wild joy and excitement that comes with the Korean pride. So many Singaporeans (and some Koreans), all coming with the anticipation! The stupendous skill of the performers and the admiration of the fans was really gratifying as well. KOREAN IS COOL.

I have decided that I must go back to my roots, and I will, I am thinking of spending at least two years of my life studying and living in Korea.

After the show we queued up to get autographs and photographs with the performers (they were COOL and COMICAL) and it felt really good to converse with them in Korean, congratulating them about the show. One of them (playing the grandfather) asked, "Are you Korean?" And so I replied, "Yes." And his face lighted up, he exclaimed, "Oh? Korea Fighting!" And I thought, Yeah! before congratulating him for the show.

It was really, really cool.

And CAP primary is finally over! I have officially passed the holidays without TOUCHING or LOOKING at any of the chinese papers, chem papers, history sbq, math questions, AHHHH what a sucker I am.

I have a new pullover now, that looks like the Theatre Club Nanyang jacket. My dad's sweater got washed wrongly so it shrunk and now it fits me. HAHA.

風之畫師 "如果我是女人...."

2009-09-10T09:26:00.001-07:00

I know this seems really retarded, posting a love scene out of a korean drama serial, but I watched this some time ago and I thought it was kind of beautiful. Sorry if you find it cheesy. But the music is good :) So are the costumes and the acting. (maybe except the crying).

The beauty of the drama lies in that Yong-Bok (the girl you see here) is a girl dressed as a boy to be able to be a painter, apprenticed to Dan-Won (the guy you see here). However, circumstances made it such that Yong-Bok had to dress as a girl, that is why she is wearing the hanbok dress now. But, her teacher doesn't know that she is really a girl, and is confused about his feelings toward him/her.

Ahh this sounds lame. Just fast forward to 3:15.

The drama is pretty artsy. After all, it's a drama about ancient koran artists, borrowing on actual historical paintings.

Ah!

2009-09-07T09:55:00.001-07:00

I would much rather post after I have made my certain impact on people, but never mind. If not the moment will be gone, and there will be no meaning anymore :)

The feeling of power runs through me as I run my fingers through my hair! I dont need towels for my hair when I step out of the bathroom, it is so easy to comb and the feeling is just so light. I'll probably go cut some more.

The funny thing is that, women with long hair seem to have a difficulty in actually going to cut their hair short. For me, the experience was... that, shall remain a secret, for privacy purposes. I do not know who reads and does not read my blog.

Short hair is fun. Guys should try growing their hair to their shoulders one day. There is something wonderfully gay about it.

Charlotte Anne Linsha Amanda and Yuxin and myself are decidedly the gayest people I have ever know.

Sticking to the old mental cheer i have carried around me since sec 1, how madly gay everything is.

Contemplation, is it real or is it rubbish

2009-09-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

These few days i have spent sleeping, eating, looking out of the window or having serious (or rather shallow) contemplation while sitting in front of my piano. Yesterday I had a brainwave resulting in my taking drastic action in the way i look (although it sounds utterly vain), and right now i am wondering (as i have since last night) what on earth i did it for.

It was a good rest, and now the pressure is on, because my so-called holidays are going to be taken up such that i have no time except to carry out the prescribed duties and activities (i.e. faciling for cap primary, a full four-day camp from 7 to 5 every day, cca, and etc). I have no complaints, but perhaps i would like a bit more time in front of my piano. It is really therapeutic. My thoughts somehow get more orderly, or perhaps I dont think at all, but focus on the happiness I derive from the music or the frustration at my stubborn fingers which refuse to please my senses and those of others. I laugh, I groan, I smile, I cry, I giggle, I cringe, I sing, I yearn; everything lives and rides and throbs and vibrates and pulsates over the rhythms and melodies and that inexplicable emotion that the piano stirs up in you. That very vibration and throb which enters deep into your heart, and for a moment all the world may be falling apart, yet it is also at complete peace.

It sounds cliched and deep and meaningless at the same time, which is to say nothing at all. But well. Such is life.

There are lots of things I could have added here, but for now, let's keep it simple (although it makes my interpretation more vague)- such is life.

Let's treasure our every breath, our very ability to see, becauase of all things we take air and light for granted. Without air, we die. Without light, we go insane. Imagine trapped in complete darkness for the rest of your life. You go insane. You cant think like a human being any more. You might note as well, that light was the first thing that God let came to be.

That, is also a sign of how much God understands our needs. He loves us.

Going Haywire

2009-09-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

I just came back from Hwachong EDC's MORE, some cap outing which took place after MORE, and some wild drinking and banging and taking away of money. I am being stupid, and my sec 3 life is rather twisted and knotted up in such a way and I am working myself into a fit because I cannot untie them.

HP has made me crazy, tearing apart the world which I once knew to be made up of (apart from the default parents, teachers, friends) tests, homework, grades, cca, seniors, library books, and such, pushing me off the plank and into the deep sea. And then I find merpeople in there. That is out of the point. I have to survive, I encounter all sorts of things, I discover that I have to discover what I want to do. What do I want to do! Hwachong's MORE explored that, sort of, i think, but this year, has been, a year of great changes for me, and I have been thinking over these for a long time.

It feels nice when people thank you for things, like when you give them presents, do them a favour or sacrifice your own time to do things for others. Of which, two I expereinced.

I need to be saved.

This confunded contraption is going haywire, and I shall try to fix it. Before it blows up, fuses or breaks down or bursts into flames or just loses power. Although it seems hoplessly lost, and entirely off the point.

Throwing poo poo

2009-09-02T06:18:00.000-07:00

Today's history lesson was by far the most hilarious one of all. Somehow the discussion went from the impact of Mao Ze Dong's Great Leap Forward to poo hitting people on the streets. It was hilarious, thinking of the pro-Communist riots that had been present in Singpaore at the time. Imagine young girls throwing poo at cops in the middle of the streets. I have yet to find corroboration, but the very idea was absolutely funny. I need to go to China one day, I heard that it is an interesting place.

Can you just imagine! The times of then and now, bloodshed, revolutions, collapse of empires, curious tales and romance (perhaps not so romantic). If I had been a Korean in post-world war 2 period, I would most likely have gone to the Communist banner, willingly and steadfast in my beliefs. Provided with the historical context, where the cahrismatic communist Kim Il Sung seemed more promising, with the fact that the side of Syngman Rhee (or rather, Lee Seung Man) seemed more divided and unstable, perhaps even being traitors by holding hands with other countries. Looking at the wreck North Korea is in now, I think, what is this? What has become of our people? It is hard to imagine a future of a united Korea. Would it be unfair to say that Karl Marx started all this? Struggles for power, foreign intervention, men and their wars, all this fervour, they tore apart the people.

I need to return to Korea!

The only constant is change, and I want to live it. There may be more revolutions to come, I don't know!

I often thought of how I would want to die, and perhaps dying to save someone or for someone's country would be better than dying in a hospital bed, with that constant worry as to whether I should go for euthanasia or not, and suffering unbearable pain from some horrible disease. And yet, Wifred Owen's line disturbs me still:

My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

You could check out the whole poem here:
http://www.english.emory.edu/LostPoets/Dulce.html

Such is life. We think we will live forever, and we live on mindlessly and carelessly, doing what we like; until one day our breath runs short and our vision dims. It could happen slowly, painfully, or perhaps in an instant.

'When we look at past times, we would long for our lives not to be so boring, yet, if we were to live in those times, at those moments and locations, we would wish with all our hearts for more peaceful times."

Such is the fate of humans.

On a lighter note, I will be going for MORE tomorrow, it's a hwachong edc production. I hope to learn what I can from it, if not I will just go there for fun and see faces and hear voices and smell the evening breeze, or the inside of the drama centre. I love night shows.

And if you haven't read the poem, and were wondering what it meant:

(dulce et decorum est
pro patria mori.
It is a sweet and fitting thing
to die for one's country.)

And Here We Go...

2009-08-28T06:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is litsem! I feel sort of excited. Although it means my whole Saturday would be gone. I have no idea what it's going to be like, but at the very worst the two of us will just groan and bury our heads in our arms and complain and lament.

I just found something, and it's that sleeping early helps in digestion. I guess it lowers the stress factor, and probably the less stressed you are the better your stomach would work. Unhappy stomach, unhappy person with an unhappy life.

I don't know anymore, okay! I must be lost, I don't know anything and I don't know what to think. All I have been following is my nose, and that is not going to get me anywhere but in some dark part of the forest. With a storm and crows screaming. No, actually that would be a better case, because at the rate I am going I will just fall into a dry well and end up withering away like Miss Havisham or something. What is my problem, seriously, if I am not sleeping or eating or fretting over tomorrow I am doing useless short-sighted shallow things.

It is so hard.

The storm clouds gather, there is lightning, thunder, and an intense shower of rain, then there is gradual sunlight, then after a few days, there is another storm, and then another sunny day, and then perhaps a drizzle or so, such is life...

ha HAha...

Riding the Waves

2009-08-25T04:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am so filled with emotion that I can't express any of it in words, perhaps just think of it, and hear the ghosts of the tunes that form in my mind. When it comes to music I feel like such a beginner, so if you leave me alone in the middle of a dark soundless room I would be entirely helpless and lost.

These days I don't know what to believe anymore, what to feel, what to think, what opinions to take. There seems to be two sides to everything, and taking simply one side would be to treat the other as a lie (which I can't do) and not to take any side would be denying myself an opinion, which I cant stand (I generally don't like it when people cant decide their minds over simple matters, e.g what to wear).

It is worrying, you know, because this year not a day has gone by when I can't remember what I did the day before, and I am often wondering what happened the week before, or what lessons I had for the day.

Right now my mood is fluctuating between elation and depression, elation because my mother just gave me a piece of good news and I have hope to pursue my dreams. One of them, anyway. And, depression, because I totally lack self-control and doing things that I shouldnt be doing, like now.

Yesterday, I went into Starbucks Coffee at United Square. The orange glow of the lamps, the tunes that ride the cold air and the intoxicating, alluring smell of coffee makes me want to go back there again. With people I know.

And I found this on a random blog:

“In old Arabic poetry love, song, blood, and travel appear as four basic desires of the human heart and the only effective means against our fear of death. Thus travel is elevated to the dignity of the elementary needs of humankind…. Whatever practical reasons push people out of their homes to seek adventure, travel undoubtedly removes us from familiar sights and from everyday routine… and is a powerful means of inducing wonder. And since poetry is an expression of wondering at things, landscapes, people, their habits and mores, poetry and travel are allied.”

(From Czeslaw Milosz’s introduction to “Travel” in A Book Of Luminous Things: An International Anthology of Poetry.)

Laughing

2009-08-21T03:47:00.000-07:00

Even though I have lots of things to be sad about, or be stressed or depressed or angry with myself and my circumstances, I have decided to simply take my problems in my stride (although that might simply mean ignoring them) and concentrate on laughing and sprinting and talking just about anything and making music and writing whatever I want to, to breathe, walk, hop, scream, stamp, sing, dance, recite, and lie down on the grass and count the birds and look at the clouds, to stand in the waves and feel the cool salty air blowing against me, to look at the ships and dream of sailing away, to run down hills and attend concerts and feel the stirrings of my heart and climbing mountains with the autumn air and all the things there are there to do!

Or at least just thinking about them. I must do them, one day.

I am listening to 'If I Were a Rich Man' from Fiddler on the Roof. It is a cool song. Devious and absolutely charming.

I need to laugh, and perhaps one day I won't have to laugh to feel happy.

I feel... Elevated

2009-08-19T02:33:00.000-07:00

I love our class! Talking to its members is like talking to a very interesting author. Very different, yet similar. There are some things that only they will understand:)

I was talking to Charlotte the other day, and as I was talking the usuall crap with her I made a comment that I think is the way I am feeling now. I get the impression that the whole world is made of bread, that everything will crumble away or dissolve if you add water to it. And I don't want this. I want to feel rocks. Dirt. Hard, rough stone. And I think I have been looking for this throughout. I always feel as though that I am hovering somewhere above my head, while the earthly side of me is controlling the rest of me. If I don't feel that way, then I feel as though I am peering through two windows in my face (i.e. my eyes) that enable me to see this unreal world made of bread. I don't know. It's like a matrix. Whatever.

I am going to play so much this week! Thursday I have street sales and movie outing with Amanda See. Friday I have CCA and the bian lian show. Saturday I have Crab Flower Club (FREE TICKETS HAHAHAHA), MAYBE Comedy of the Tragic Goats. And the next Saturday I have Literature Seminar! And an outing with Amanda Ong.

I realise that it hasnt rained properly for quite a while. I love it when clouds gather and the cold wind starts to blow. And then you see the lightning flashes and hear the thunder roaring. One day. I shall let my hair lose and dance in the rain.

THEN I SAW THE CONGO CREEPING THROUGH THE BLACK
CUTTING THROUGH THE FOREST IN A GOLDEN TRACK!
THEN I HAD A VISION
THEN I HAD RELIGION
I COULD NOT TURN FROM THEIR REVEL IN DERISION.

I really wonder. I have been trying to form equations, theories, to put my thoughts under one mathematical/logical explanation. However, it is not easy, and sometimes I just don't know what to think. Sometimes, thought doesnt seem to be defined by me at all, but other people. If so, what am I thinking! Who told me to think that!? And so on and so on.

Am relaxing now, I'll post a bit of song lyrics:

Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation ...
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination ...
Silently the senses abandon their defences ...

Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendour ...
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender ...
Turn your face away from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to the music of the night ...

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!
And you'll live as you've never lived before ...

Softly, deftly, music shall surround you ...
Feel it, hear it, closing in around you ...
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight -
the darkness of the music of the night.

Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world!
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!
Let your soul
Take you where you long to be!
Only then can you belong to me ...

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation!
Let the dream begin,
let your darker side give in to the power of
the music that I write - the power of the music of the night ...

You alone can make my song take flight -
help me make the music of the night ...

It's Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera. I loved the musical and the movie. The music is intoxicating. But the phantom is so much cooler. His dark and evil disposition, and yet his mystery, his hearbreak and jealousy. Very romantic and dramatic indeed.

Sunsets are beautiful. But so are nights under a starry sky. And friends to look at the stars with.

Yehudi Menuhin plays Brahms Hungarian Dance No. 5

2009-08-18T05:55:00.001-07:00

This is just awesome. I need to do more research on this guy.

Tasting the Wind

2009-08-10T04:13:00.000-07:00

It just occurred to me the reason why we love words, stories and poetry.

When you hear a word, or all the words, in the poem or story, in that particular arrangement, you hear the delicacy of the words, their specialties. You feel the music vibrating under your feet and within you as you hear it being read or hear it in your mind; your nose twitches and the world before your eyes becomes slightly blured. It is almost magical; the instant before you analyse your feelings and start thinking about your emotions as evoked by the words and how they caused them- you are in a place that is quite equivalent to a certain sort of heaven, you are absorbed in the very meaning and intensity of the word. That, I think, is the power of literacy.

I am slightly bemused by the fact that it occurred to me while thinking about my obsession with chocolates and lamenting how hungry and chocolate-deprived I was.

The past few days have been absolutely crazy. I felt elevated as I walked the streets, going to bed, I had the sensation of going on a cloud. In the days following Mr Potter I had been travelling to Russia and to the ethereal, enchanting albeit artificial world beneath the crystal blue waters, with the laughter and warmth of friends. I had been to Iran and through its revolutions and tragedies. I have been to a silent, rather isolated part of Singapore and had roasted meat on a rooftop. I have been to the most romantic room, singing my love to the black piano with its impassioned notes and riveting melodies. I have been to America and reveled in the taste of words.

What wonderful days! But it must end soon, although I hope that the brutality of real life will never stamp the sensation and disposition from my head.

A piece of old news: i have met trotsky-reincarnate. He is so cool.

I need to learn, carpe diem.

Crazy Dance

2009-08-07T04:14:00.000-07:00

Blocks finally ended, and yesterday I went to watch Harry Potter with Amanda See and Yu Xin (FINALLY).

Personally, I thought that the individual scenes weren't bad, the characterisation wasn't too bad either, although they could have been improved. But the movie, as a whole, wasn't too good, because it lacked a proper climax and resolution, so by the end of the movie you are dumbfounded as to what has just happened. So the overall structure wasn't too good. Also, the tension between characters (such as between Dumbledore, Snape and Harry) weren't built up properly on. So much such that the romance scenes, in the end, seemed trivial and entirely pointless, although Ron was distinctly amusing. He was better than the rest, really. Bellatrix was a little overplayed (she was a little too crazy, too much for her own good) and the Tom Riddle was not at all what I had imagined, so for me that was a disappointment.

But no matter. When you watch movies with friends, even stupid ones become sort of enjoyable. It was kind of funny, in a way. I was sitting next to Amanda, who was sitting next to Yu Xin (who felt like she had lots of money that day).

There was this scene where Dumbledore takes out Tom's ring, one of the horcruxes, and places it on the table. At that instant there is music like grating metal and piercing screams and nails down the blackboard, and you see the dark images of the dark lord's dark life- and you cringe and frown and it gets on your nerves- and then Amanda started grabbing my arm like she was really scared out of her wits, and hysterically saying "that is so scary! that is so scary!" and Yu Xin goes "what the freaking s***" and I laugh like a maniac. At the stupid scene and the ridiculous situation we are in then.

And when Harry and Dumbledore were entering the inferi-ridden place it was the same. Amanda was clinging to my arm, Yu Xin was possibly very disturbed and Amanda kept commenting on how scary it was and clawing my arm. It was very funny, and I commented that it was more like a horror movie we were watching and we were three silly people being scared out of our wits and pants.

We had ice cream after that, and we talked, and it was quite good:) Then we went to our homes and I fell asleep for a while.

Today I was contemplating about some serious issues, should I discuss them now?

Forget it, I have decided instead to write farewell to one whom I thought I had loved:

You deserve no parting words, for my heart has grown cold, and I am no longer the same innocent naive girl you once knew.

You would play and sing your long phony songs, and I believed them- I believed every single note of them. It was like a dream; somehow a part of me knew none of this existed, none of it at all, that it was just a big joke we were in and neither of us was taking it seriously. But the rest of me, a large part of it, chose to believe it, and now I am aghast at the horror I have committed. Why did I ever fall for it, why was I ever so enchanted by it, believing it to be right and just for me to play that music?

All this realisation came, about a year ago or so, but now I know that it has always been within me. You are extremely alluring to many, you are rich, your women get the finest silks, your house is clean, well-swept, sanitised; you are a clever and smart, you think you know the rules to the universe. I was taken by this allurance, and though you made me suffer, you made me believe that you were my world, my universe, everything that possibly mattered.

It was buried deep inside my heart, the knowledge that all of this was a lie. And I only came to a full realisation to it last year, when I finally realised the horror I was committing.

But how am I to break free? I have grown used to this cleanliness, your strict control of what I do, how my life should go, and how I should speak, write and view life. Your charms were decpetive, and yet have not been entirely terrible- you fed me, taught me, bred me- although it was reached at a high price, of tears, suffering, and your medicine has always been mixed with poison. Yes, poison. And the effects of this poison are becoming clearer to me; I see now that my vision is becoming blurred and my senses numbed. That is why I hate you to the core- I can never break free entirely from your grasp. Every time I think of you all I am thinking of is to how to escape from you, from the torment and suffering you inflict upon me.

And yet this hate worries me, for hate is a form of love. I have come to love your your poetry (not the way you express yourself, for now I find that entirely pitiful; but instead your hadnwriting) and the way you speak, so used have I grown to them, so much have I come to depend on them for security and warmth. How terrible this is! For now I have discovered that your music was never what I wanted. I could compare your music to the electormagnetic waves coming from the sound systems, the artifical grand piano sound, that electric violin- and all I really want is the sound of drums and waterfalls and waves crashing violently on the sharp cliffs and rocks just as a storm is brewing on the horizon. I don't want any more of that clean polish, I want to storm to hit me, for the chilly winter to whip and bite my face, I want to speak the language of my brothers and sisters, I want to dance to their rhythm and beat, I want to feel the fire through my veins.

That, is what I really needed.

I suppose, that is why. And yet the irony is there.

What a strange thing love is! To hate, because I love. And to love something one hates. All your love and procalamation I take it as part of your cold manliness that you attempt to exude, and I disdain you entirely.

My home in my heart is in full conflict, every day, every hour, even right this very moment. The open space I have here I often come to regard as a prison. Or was it a prison I had deluded myself to think that it was a free space? I have been a frog at the bottom of the well, gazing at the only portion of the sky that you permitted me to see. I need to escape, if such a thing is ever possible now.

It is my constant lament, to have ever loved you, for now I can never get rid of you.

It would have been very much appropriate if you had been listening to some dramatic, classical/instrumental, tragic or at least slightly seductive music at this point, but no matter. Enough of this.

Right now, who wants to go to Russia in the December with me! We shall kiss the snow flakes, be ravished by the icy winter and its seduction, and feel the atmosphere os places foreign... and perhaps see how wide the sky really is. And what it really means to be lost.

And then maybe we could go to Austria, Hungary and Germany!

I am listening to the Hungarian Dance now. I love its intensity and speed.

Boom, BANG

2009-08-02T05:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know, I am using more violent words like boom and bang and thinking about explosions and war and guns and tanks and battleships and army planes. BANG BANG BANG BOOM POW GAH!

Goodbye fourteen years old, I am turning fifteen.

One small step for the minute hand, one large step for the hyolim.

Okay that sounded lame. But block tests start tomorrow! And block tests will be spent studying birthday. I mean physics will be spent birthday blocks. AHH CONFUND. I feel so ill prepared for blocks. Let's just hope that Yu Xin's traditional method of OSMOSIS AND DIFFUSION works, like, sleeping on your notes and getting the "natural way" of information absorption.

It makes me kind of nostalgic to know that i won't be able to say i am fourteen any longer. After 12, that is.

This week has really been a roller coaster ride, and I am pretty sure the following days will be too.

I hope I don't throw up

Thomostackardystrial

2009-08-01T09:44:00.001-07:00

I invented that word on a whim.

Having coffee with Charlotte today was fun. We talked, we laughed, we commented on strange things about us, listened to music and talked some more. And did stupid things like hunting for a fifty cent coin in the middle of a coffee shop.

I would really like to sail away on a ship someday... with a small containing my belongings, a blank book and a pen. With my flute and camera, perhaps. And a copy of the Bible. And perhaps a friend to talk to.

It would be quite an adventure.

But for now, I have the gay lunch to look forward to! And a host of other enjoyable things I will be experiencing soon... like dunking, watching Up!, seeing the comedy of the tragic goats, harry potter (i stilll havent watched it), reading books for fun, watching persepolis with friends, listening to songs, lying down in the grass, frolicking on the beach and yelling in the waves, writing poetry, talking and thinking about things, musing, slacking on the computer, doing street sales, discussing cca stuff and dancing madly in the rain!

Although for now, I am laughing at my absolute lack of progress for block tests. Disney songs do wonders to your time and memory and state of mind. So do blogs and and a certain BOOK, and a Monstrous Soul Nullifier (MSN). Secondary 3 is more slack than my secondary 2 year, and a lot more rocky and chilly. With wild animals and lack of food. And sleep.

What days and weeks are there to come! The boat is sinking, but I'll try to bail out the water... we're all on boats, some of us will sink and some of us will take the lead, but whatever violent storms we face, let's hold our course till the very end.

And yet dream about things like actually sailing away.

Pun Umbu Cabooboo

2009-07-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

I miss the days when the pigs flew over the rainbows.

Right now, they are rolling in the ditches, perhaps, as they should.

It would be interesting to get drunk on wine simply by smelling too much of it. Speaking of wine, I am feeling intoxicated. And yet, tormented. These dreams portend no good to us. They repeat themselves again and again, and each time we will be caught in the trap, for we embrace the very make of it... knowing what it is yet imagining a sweet haven. A girl in a simple white dress falling into the water, which glinstens and winks in the moonlight, looking almost serenely up at the moon. Then it starts to rain. Gunshots, bang bang bang. Soldiers in their rigid uniforms march in and take aim... the bald fat man, with the bowler hat and the beer belly takes out his pistol and fires into his beer mug. Alas, yet, it's a woman. Milk and yoghurt, butter and honey, salt and oil. Grapes, apples, peaches, mangoes, with a couple of roses, ixoras and daffodils. Add to that a soft cloud or two, throw it up into the air and slide down the rainbow into the deep blue green sea. Scream for help, then laugh, then become fearful for your life. A passing ship picks you up, and you faint as you are being dragged up, out of exhaustion. I awake on a hard sort of wooden board, but I am dry and warm. Beside me, a few metres away is a man of about forty writing away on paper. He turns out to be a composer of music, a writer, an artist; on a quest to find an ancient manuscript of 1000 years ago.

I shall stop before it becomes too cliche. Oh wait, no:

Then a Greek guy named Aristophanes comes along and demands instant compensation, for what I do not know. So I give him a piece of rope, with a coin attached to the end of it, and some ivy at the other end. He takes it, scrutinises it, then leaves. Water thrown in for good measure, and there is news that Adolf Hitler died. Juliet has died as well, along with her Romeo. The mouse clicks and Tom is chasing Jerry. The romantic era is, and the victorian times go along with Margaret Thatcher and Plato. Leddelee Loddellee Loo.

I somehow love this and hate this at the same time.

It's a bit like dancing.

And I should like to dance in the rain, someday, in the streets, in the parks and with other lunatics.

Facing the Ocean

2009-07-25T08:02:00.001-07:00

Across the sapphire expanse
Under the turquoise sky
Sailors steer through the blue mass
The ships standing still, or passing by.

The waves rush onto the golden sand
As if eager to kiss and bless the land
White horses charge toward you
As racing horses in matches do.

Crashes, and then the sighs
In repeated succession. One after
Another, like the whispering of
Mysterious tales, secrets and journeys

Of the longing of women wishing
For their husbands, fathers and sons to come home
Oh, be that I had the sails like wings
And hands for the wheel

It should be that I would sail for days on end
In search of foreign land, the wind and sea my friends.

Just a random poem I thought of after a day out at sea. Ahh i haven't started on work but who cares. Today was fun :)

And I just realised, after forgetting for a long while now- Block tests start on my birthday.

Just marvellous.

Conversation by the Grass

2009-07-22T00:51:00.000-07:00

Today after Chemistry lesson I was feeling really depressed, about a number of things, but mostly about the fact that I couldn't get lessons and I was feeling such a failure and stuff, hating myself for my slacking and the ridiculous situations I got myself into. And there were a number of other things that bothered me and I felt really down and demoralised and all, and I really felt like giving up.

It was lunch, so I went with Amanda See to the steps facing the grass. There I took out my packed lunch- rice, seaweed and a nice blend of beef with vegetables. There I said grace, and the effect was most powerful.

I remembered a guest pastor's message that was presented some weeks back: "We are God's people- take heart, take confidence in that."

And I saw how much He loved us and protected us and took care of us. He shelters me each day, blesses me each day, makes sure that I never go hungry. He shows me new things every day, guiding me as I grow. His love is overwhelming and more than we can ever expect or hope for; we have done everything to deserve death and yet, and yet He has given us the promise of heaven.

I am reminded of Psalms 23, verses 1-3:

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

There was also a cartoon on one of the Church handouts I received some weeks back. It showed a boy crouching down, his had in his hands, his face full of despair and desolation. Beside him the devil was taunting him: "You are not fit for the Lord, you have sinned so greatly that he will surely reject you."

And yet, the Lord will never reject us, and to think such things will be a sin in itself.

Thank you Lord.

The Lord always speaks to us, He never fails to show His love for us.

Often, it's just that we don't listen.

We're always too busy.

Kissing Metal

2009-07-21T04:39:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I would like to say, but am afraid to post it here.

Ah, why am I blogging here when there are other things to do like listening to/ making music and reading.

I feel like making a film, suddenly.

And I love Mr Chan! He is such a cool physics teacher.

I should sleep.

Beside the Fire

2009-07-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

I need to keep this going! And to keep myself happy I shall write some funny things around.

Last Friday, Celine told the class a very agonising joke to the class. And I still remember it:

"Stressed? Just remember, you can't have happiness without H P."

Excrutiating. I like it.

On tuesday/wednesday, the CORNER of the white board was updated by a mysterious someone. It read:

OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
People like to talk on their phones and walk around on the grass patch.

HAHAHA. So true. Except Michelle who said she would pace around the whole school.

And sometime last week I was walking on the long stretch of road in my condominium to get to my block. I saw this African-American man with a gold chain walking towards me. For some reason my mind made funny equations and I suddenly found him funny so I started to smile widely (to stop myself from giggling). As he approached closer he must have wondered who I was smiling at, and turned around to see if anyone was behind him. At this point I started laughing (not too loudly).

"You're smiling at me!?" he exclaimed as he walked by, in a surprised sort of way, his expression containg neither offense nor anger. I nodded, my smile still etched onto my face. Strangely, there was a certain sort of warmth in that brief exchange.

When I recounted this to my mum later, she said, "You were lucky! Other people could have taken offense and beat you up."

Still, it was fun, smiling at a stranger.

Lamentations

2009-07-08T05:09:00.000-07:00

Why do I always drive myself into a hole, knowing it will be difficult to get out of it?

This is a weary, lonesome world.

How pathetic and shallow I sound.

Is it just me, or is the education system ruining me.

Sometimes, Love is All You Need

2009-07-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

I am slightly reminded of the Hwa Chong ELDDFS show this year, 'Under Pressure'. This year has been full of pressures, from studies to cca (SYF) to SIA to events to CAP to OBS to all the trials of sec 3 life. Actually, mistake, I haven't studied this year, except the day before my blocks.

Currently I have headaches and flu symptoms. I am worried for a friend of mine besides myself.

It was fun, learning about tragedies, america in the 1920's and Leningrad and stuff, although sciences, which I usually enjoy, became very dry this year. Mostly because we were relearning the same stuff over and over again. This year did improve my train of thought, and I suppose that can only be improved further, but I am cracking.

I haven't properly learnt anything. I haven't been taking care of my health. I haven't been thinking of what I want to be. I have realised that I am a castrated Zheng He. I have realised that this world is very bleak, with all its capitalism and business and politics and cruelty. I haven't been growing any taller.

I am wasting away. I have lost the certain whimsical feelings and moods I had in sec 2. Now it feels like all angst.

I can even see myself aging away this year. It's scary. I am tired all the time, as though I sold my soul to sin and guilty pleasures.

Someone, make me cry, make me laugh, make me look at the world straight in the eye with my heart beating steadily and my feet planted firmly on the ground.

Star Wars Episode II Soundtrack - Across The Stars (Love Theme From Attack Of The Clones)

2009-07-05T03:08:00.001-07:00

I know the thing doesn't look too attractive, but the music is pretty good:) John Williams can churn out some pretty amazing stuff.

The Moon Song

2009-07-03T04:39:00.000-07:00

This week has been pretty enriching stressful demoralising seriously very tiring saddening scary guilty.

I just thought today, while talking to charlotte:

"If the English are prose, the French are poetry"

It doesnt make sense but.

I don't like poetry. You can't tell whether it's good or not, there might be some obscure hidden meaning that the author expects you to see, or you might see some "hidden meaning" that ISN'T supposed to be there. At least, for prose, you can tell whether it's good or not after one or two readings.

Although, poetry can sometimes be fun:) SOMETIMES. beautiful, too.

I want to go on another carefree, enjoyable, light-hearted day in the hills... which are alive with the sound of music. The songs they have sung for a thousand years resonates in my mind. And maybe the gentleman and I shall read and compose some GOOD poetry, or read Sophocles' Oedipus Rex, or play Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake, or something.

And the gentleman i am referring to is Mary Queen of Scots, I assure you.

And I am Queen Elizabeth I.

If you read this post careful enough maybe you'll understand:)

Typewriters and Violins

2009-06-29T07:34:00.001-07:00

This is totally random but-

I will adore the person who impresses me with a single violin or cello.

Better, I will kiss whoever gives me a working typewriter (with the ribbon and all that) for my birthday. Right there and then. (I don't care who, what race, gender, age, height.)

Best, I will declare my undying love for the one who teaches me to play the violin.

If by some wonderful chance any of these ever happen, I will keep my promise, but I can only guarantee that for the year 2009.

Sad, isn't it.

senorita by bond

2009-06-28T02:44:00.001-07:00

i heard this in my cd shop, i thought it was good.

i dont know what to think about bond though.

libertango by bond is also... a bit... hard to say....

Picture Yourself on a Boat on a River, with Tangerine Trees, and Marmalade Skies...

2009-06-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

I miss my blog posts which at least argued about some subject matter, that showed that I was trying to think, and trying to grow up. My posts are getting messier and messier, and it jsut shows the state of my life now, which isn't good.

Today I was talking to my math teacher, and again he amazed me with wonderful theories and possibilities of the physical world. I learnt today that there are 12 possible dimensions, in space and maybe? elsewhere.

"If you are able to fully understand and exist in just another dimension instead of just the first, second and third dimensions, just imagine the power you can have. Absolute power.

If you look at the second dimension, can you imagine a box?" And he drew a square.

(imagine a square)

"If you existed in the second dimension, that could be your safe, and you could put all your valuables in it. You could barricade it, put as much protection around it as you want- but you see, I exist in the third dimension, so I could so easily reach in and take whatever is in that box. All your valuables! Gone!"

"Can you imagine being in the second dimension? You would understand teh first and second dimension, but the third will be totally unimaginable for you. Just by elevating from the second to the third dimension, you will have so many things to do- you'll smell, hear, feel, there is just so many things. Imagine what will happen if we upgraded to the fourth dimension. You will become, like, a god."

"If you could control time, for example, a totally different dimension, you could live forever! you could go to the future, find out how you will, travel back to the past, avoid it at all costs. You could become immortal."

"And as far as calculations go, we have twelve dimensions. Just by acquiring one more dimension, we would be able to do so many things. Can you imagine having 12? People are trying to get to the next dimension now, and once they succeed they'll want more and more..."

Scary thought.

And I also found, how through space, we could see people of the past, maybe even how the earth looked like billions of years ago...

"You know, when the sun shines on us, the light gets reflected here and there, but eventually it gets reflected into space. If we manage to capture all that light, since light has a limit to its speed, we may be able to project images of people of the past, and get an authentic glimpse of history."

That one I didn't quite get, but here's another interesting one:

"Light has a speed. It does not have an infinity speed. There is a limit to how fast in can travel. In space, light takes billions (or maybe millions) of years to travel. The light of the stars you see... it's the light that was emitted a long long time ago. So, even if the star has died, you would still see the star, and you'll still think that the star is there, even if it isn't."

And I said, excitedly,"So, if you were on the star, and you saw Earth, would you see earth as it was like in the past?"

He said, "Yes, and that is why, if we ever manage to build technology that travels faster than light, and go to some far off place like that star, we would be able to observe Earth as it was billions of years ago, before humans existed even."

Then I wondered if we could see actualy images of people, but this seemed highly unlikely. But then again, travelling faster than light already seemed difficult to acheive. But one never knows.

I am depressed.

2009-06-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

I can't go back.

I need madness. NOW.

give me a bottle of madness and we'll share a bottle of wine tomorrow:) I like the smell of books. They're even better than fish. Soundwaves are cool but i am worried about electromagnetic waves that can cause cancer. ham cheese hamburger are cool but they aren't. talking gibberish to your friends make people think that you are speaking in some foreign language. thank you, mom. i am wondering what the use of earphones and jewelery are. let's sit at a table and read books while thinking about broomsticks and playing cards. bunnys with rabbit ears. drink some water, it's good for you. homework is like vegetables. the pillow is hard. number 1. be a good boy. your india! sleep. play the recorder. dent the flute. scratch the piano. snap the string of the violin. smash the guitar. look at koalas. eat coal. look at diamonds. paint your face RED.

and i want to do something crazy like go to orchcard road and talk in a "foreign language".

an i want to watch land of the lost.

i feel as though i just emptied the dustbin on myself.

anyone to share the madness with me? but i know who to look for already.

Dry Wind

2009-06-12T05:07:00.000-07:00

I miss the mountains, trees, trains, people and mood of my hometown.

I want to go back.

Should I?

Is the magic real, or is it all some stupid bubble that's going to burst and kill everyone anyway.

MERLION!

2009-06-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

Hm.

CAP.

It was-

brilliantextraordinaryenrichingfunnyimeanreallysupersuperfunnyindiandancecourttianewlandagnesmeadowsangelineyapcouncillorswereGREAThadypadyanjunaechutingOG2sneakingintocafetheBOTTLEGAMEsleepinglateandiamsomissingeveryone.

Something like that.

It was really great.

Really great.

Really really great.

And I am home.

goodbye paradise. here comes reality.

D:

Inconceivable!

2009-05-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

What are titles for anyways. 'Inconceivable' is just a passing wisp of thought.

This is the most sabbatical week I've had in my two plus years in Nanyang. Touuching frogs, seeing them (have sex) as seomone in my class outs it, having htem pee on your hands, looking at them trying to escape from the hellish prison they are trapped in, looking at their dead bodies, at them staring at you, not moving a muscle...

...seeing plants in organic farms, breatihing in their wonderful goodness, marvelling at their growth and the life which they possess, the greenery, the rain, and the mildly sweet and moist taste of vegetables and juice...

...going around places of historic interest, admiring the sights, the victorian architecture, dreaming of times past, where there were not so many cars and rickshaws throve; seeing exhibitions of things past, of unique cultures, of things present, (FIRE ENGINES WHOOOO), trying out something called yoguru and discovering it's wonderful taste...

...being on the bus, dozing off in weird uncomfortable slouches, laughing with friends, listening to lame ghost stories, singing your heart out, falling on your friend's shoulder sleeping, (Gah i was really tired), drinking vegetable juice...

...staying at home sleeping till ten-thirty....

i need madness. NOW.

Death.

2009-05-25T02:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to think.

Somebody I know since I was young, a friendly someone who reminded me of my family, friends and home...

I suppose the Lord thought it was time.

I'm Thinking. YOU.

2009-05-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty busy lately, chionging out proposals and neglecting homework and such.

Ships sail, flowers bloom, birds fly.

What a twsitedly wonderful and strangely beautiful world we live in.

I may have a mental problem. (Everyone in HP seems to have one). The whole world is out to get me....

And. I realised something.

No matter how many acheivments we have in our lifetime, no matter how much money we make, no matter how famous and important andpowerful we become, no matter how many discoveries we make, no matter how artistically acclaimed we become, no matter how much respect we garner, no matter how beautiful and accomplished we become, no matter how many members of the opposite sex we attract, no matter how many people we kill--

everything comes to naught, sooner or later you won't be alive to enjoy all that you've spent a lifetime earning, a lifetime slaving away...

and the only thing that matters in the univerese is that you find God and His kingdom...

Living life, working hard, but for Him, for Him, for Him.

Seeds, grow! Take root and sprout and grow to bloom flowers and bear fruit.

And. Please. We are all at Your mercy.........

I need to sort out my life. It's in a mess.A BIG BIG mess.

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A certain reliable source has informed me that the line 'if i reach out my hand to you, will you take it?' makes it seem as though I am in love with somebody. Sorry to disappoint, but that was a mirror image- if Jesus was to reach out His hand to me, would I take it? I was like, echoing what He would say. Hm but don't be too disappointed, 'cos God is the greatest love one can have.

Seriously, what do people think!?

THESE ARE THE RULES.

2009-05-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

NO TALKING.
NO EATING.
NO MAKING LOUD NOISES.
NO GIGGLING.
NO SHOUTING.
NO LAUGHING.
NO SMILING.
NO HOLDING HANDS.
NO KISSING.
NO SITTING INAPPROPRIATELY.
NO CLAPPING.
NO WRITING.
NO READING.
NO LOOKING.
NO SMELLING.
NO LISTENING TO MUSIC.
NO GOING TO THE TOILET.
NO TOUCHING.
NO SWIMMING.
NO BATHING.
NO RUNNING.
NO PLAYING OF GAMES.
NO SLEEPING.
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random stuff inspired by celine + SIL.

Smelling the Sea

2009-05-20T03:48:00.000-07:00

I will be starting a personal journal. On paper.

But the blog will still be alive.

People, mindless, foolish individuals.

Especially me.

Sunsets.

Autumn.

If I extend my hand out to you, would you take it?

I need to start learning to recognise myself in the mirror. Because, I can't, I don't know who the person in that mirror is.

For some sick reason, I am reminded of Jamie. Long story.

My thoughts. Are all over the place

Drowning.

2009-05-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

It's flooded.

I am so glad there are no lessons tomorrow.

But thursday, ............. just... never mind...

I haven't blogged in a while.

And every moment the word I think of is "phail" or "yes!" or "oh man" or "what the freaking - " or "i need to sleep".

oh stop crapping.

Sinbad Legend of the Seven Seas - Sirens

2009-05-14T10:29:00.001-07:00

this. song. is. so. freaking. awesome.

Tears of the Sky

2009-05-13T05:55:00.000-07:00

When will you ever stop running, Hyo Lim?

I just wish that it will rain. Rain, rain and rain.

And I run, dance, skip and sing in the rain, until I fall down and hurt myself or something.

In the meantime, Hyo Lim, when will you ever stop running away?

I am just so exhausted.

Somehow... Somewhere...

2009-05-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

Sitting on a swing, talking, laughing, making interesting observations.

Such simple things, and I discover realms I have never discovered before.

Or is it a simple illusion? Making one side a truth will inevitably make the other a lie.

Mother's Day was really special:) My mum was so happy, and pretty impressed.

I want to experience such new sensations. Fierce joy, profound revelations...

for now, I'm screwed. As always.